ML 

50 


It  M:ADEniC 


^T.TRRF.  TTO!     COMIC     OPERA 


mxiiDtv^it^  of  Cl)icago  Settlement  League 


i;  I-:  N  F-  1-  I    r     F  ii  N  d 


A    MUSICAL    COMEDY    PRESENTED    BY    ALUMNI    AND 
STUDENTS     OF    THE     UNIVERSITY    OF    CHICAGO 


THE  STUDEEAKER  U  THURSDAY  AND  FRIDAY 
EVENINGS  AND  SATURDAY  MATINEE  XJ  MAY  TENTH 
ELEVENTH   AND  TWELFTH  U   NINETEEN   HUNDRED 


•    ■ 

-  •. 

1      \   U-    o 

Stands  for 

H 

ighest  Grade 
manship, 

of  W^or 

k- 

QiKilitv  of  Cloth 

the  Best, 

Style  and 

Fit 

Perfection 

H.  ZEISS 
COMPANY 


LADIES 

TAILORS 


9  East  r\)rty-Sc\-enth  Street 
Kenwood 
I.  C.  Station 


Telephone 
Oakland 

558 


MR.  MELVIX   E.  COLEM 
as  Roxy  Ann  Shekelswon 


THE     UNIVERSITY 
SETTLEMENT    LEAGUE 


'slMi^r^^ 


fficcve  for   ISO?  ---- 1000 


Preside- lit 
Vice-President 
Recordi;ig  Secretary 
Corresponding  Secretary 
Treasurer 


Mrs.  E.  O.  Jordan 

Mrs.  J.  R.  Angkll 

Mrs.  Jacques  Loeb 

Mrs.  C.  p.  Small 

Mrs.  C.  D.  Buck 


3!)  i  r  c  c  1 0  r  0 


Mrs.  W.  R.  Harper 
Mrs.  W.  D.  MacClintock 
Mrs.  F.  H.  Montgomery 


Mrs.  G.  L.  Hendrickson 
Mrs.  Charles  Zeublin 
Mrs.  R.  G.  Moulton 


Miss  S.  W.  Peabody 


P  a  t  r  0  n  c  6  s  r  6 

Mrs.  G.  E.  Adams  Mrs.  S.  E.  Barrett  Mrs.  A.  C.  Bartlett 

Mrs.  Enimons  Blaine  Mrs.  C.  J.  Blair 

Mrs.  C.  W.  Brega  Mrs.  A.  J.  Caton  Mrs.  W.  J.  Chalmers 

Mrs.  H.  C.  Chatfield-Taylor  Mrs.  F.  S.  Coolidge 

Mrs.  Henry  Dibblee  Mrs.  J.  J.  Glessner  Mrs.  W.  R.  Harper 

Mrs.  E.  A.  Hamill  Mrs.  C.  D.  Hamill 

Mrs.  C.  L.  Hutchin.son  Mrs.  H.  H.  KoliLsaat  Mrs.  W.  R.  Linn 

Mrs.  F.  O.  Lowden  Mrs.  C.  H.  McCormick 

Mrs.  H.  F.  McCormick  Mrs.  E.  L.  Ryer.son  Mrs.   M.  A.  Ryerson 

Mrs.  G    A.  Seaverns  Mrs.  B.  L.  Smith 

Mrs.  A.  A.  Spragne  Mrs.  O.  S.  A.  Sprague  Mrs.  W.  B.  Walker 

Mrs.  H.  M.  Wilmarth 

3 
/ 


ANY     PhKSON     CAN     J'LAV    THE 
PIANO  WITH  THP:  aid  OF  THE 

An^elus  Orchestral  Piano  Player 


It  plays  any  piano.  Any  person  can  play  it,  and  it  plays  any  and  all  kinds  of  music. 
It  plays  with  perfect  expression,  and  the  touch  and  technique  of  the  master  artist. 
The  pedals  of  expression  on  the  piano  are  manipulated  the  same  as  when  playing  by 
hand.  No  other  piano  player  does  this.  Its  resources  and  capabilities  are  inexhaust- 
ible. It  possesses  greater  capacity  and  has  greater  variety  than  any  other  piano  player. 
It  never  grows  old  ;  the  longer  one  has  it  the  better  it  is  liked.  It  is  a  perfect  instru- 
ment in  itself  and  can  be  played  away  from  the  piano.  It  must  be  seen  and  heard  in 
order  to  be  understood  and  appreciated.  Visitors  always  welcome.  It  can  be  seen  and 
heard  daily  at  209  Wabash  Avenue,  Chicago. 

THE    MANY-TONE  -CROWN"   PIANO 

is  the  fourth,  last  and  highest  step  in  the  evolution  of  the  piano.  It  is  the  culmination  of 
a  century's  effort  to  make  the  piano  an  instrument  of  varied  tone  qualities.  In  all  those 
requirements  which  enter  into  and  make  a  piano  of  the  highest  merit,  it  has  no  superior,  and 
in  addition  thereto  the  capacity  is  enlarged,  capabilities  greatly  increased,  it  is  more  dura- 
ble, and  is  an  Instrument  of  vastly  superior  attainments.     The  only  Many-Tone  Piano. 


GEO.    P.   BEX7\    Mauufacturcr 


Salesrooms  :   209  Wabash  Avenue 


Factory:  249  Washington  Boulevard 


CHICAGO,  ILL. 


Mrs.  G.  E.  Adams  Mrs.  A.  L.  Baker  Mr.  A.  C.  Bartlett 

Mr.  E.  M.  Barton  Mrs.  Emmons  Blaine 

Mrs.  C.  J.  Blair  Mrs.  W.  J.  Chalmers  Mr.  Marshall  Field 

Mrs.  H.  C.  Chatfield-Taylor  Mrs.  E.  A.  Hamill 

Mrs.  C.  R.  Henderson  Mrs.  W.  R.  Linn  Mr.  T.  R.  Lyon 

Mrs.  F.  O.  Lowden  Mrs.  H.  F.  McCormick 

Mr.  H.  A.  Rust  Mr.  O.  S.  A.  Sprague  Mrs   B.  L.  Smith 

Mrs.  A.  A.  Sprague  Mr.  G.  C.  Walker 


C  0  fi  t  It  m  r  C  0  111  m  1 1 1  c  c 

Mrs.  J.  R.  Angell  Mrs.  C.  D.  Buck  Mrs.  F.   I.   Carpenter 

Mrs.  S.  W.  Cutting  Mrs.  H.  H.  Donaldson 

Miss  Gertrude  Dudley  Mrs,  H.  S.  Fisk  Miss  E.  D.  Flood 

Mrs.  G,  M.  Hobbs  Mrs.  F.  A.  Johnson 

Mrs.  E.  O.Jordan  Mrs.  H.  P.  Judson  Mrs.  Jacques  Loeb 

Mrs.  R.  M.  Lovett  Mrs.  C.  R.  Mann 

Mrs.  Heinrich  Maschke  Mrs.  E.  H.  Moore  Mrs.  Shailer  Mathews 

Mrs.  F.  H.  Montgomery  Miss  A.  B.  Reed 

Mrs.  F.  W.  Shepardson  Mrs.  C.  P.  Small  Mrs.  Benjamin  Terry 

Mrs.  G.  E.  Vincent  Miss  Nellie  Woodhead 

Mrs.  Charles  Zueblin 


finance  €  o ni mt 1 1 r  c 

Mrs.  C.  F.  Millspaugh  Miss  S.  W.  Peabody  Mrs.  G.  E.  Vincent 


Mr.  H.  R.  Hatfield 


ommtttfc  on  Ctckcts 

Mr.  A    C.  Miller  Mr.  Alexander  Smith 


51 0  Ik  I"  6 


Miss  Addanis 
Miss  Blanchard 
Miss  Boyd 
Miss  Canterbury 
Miss  Capps 
Miss  Chambers 
Miss  Chandler 


Miss  Choate 
Miss  Doyle 
Miss  Fitch 
Miss  Freeman 
Miss  Frisbie 
Miss  Hammond 
Miss  Hardy 


Miss  Harper 
Miss  Keay 
Miss  Kohlsaat 
jVIiss  Mooney 
Miss  Pardee 
Miss  Parker 


Miss  Roberts 
Miss  Shailer 
Mi.ss  Stitt 
Miss  Summerville 
Miss  Tunnicliff 
Miss  Vanderlip 


# 


MR.GEO.  YOUNd 

as  Katie  ClattL-rini; 


George   Washington 

ELEtTKIFIED    THE    NATIONS    AND 
MADE     THE     ENEMY      TAKE     TO 

T  H  E    W  O  O  D  S 


George    Dewey 

ELECTRIFIED     THE    WORLD     BY 
MAKINC;  THE  SPANIARDS  TAKE  TO 

THE    W  O  O  D  S 


The  Nations  of  theWorld 


THUS      ELECTRIFIED 
ARE    ALL  TAKINt;  TO  THE 


W  O  O  D  S 


A 


B 


C 


Woods  Motor  Vehicles  Jlni^l^^c  ^'World's  Standard" 

STRENGTH,  STYLE,  DURABILITY,  SPEED,  \VORKMANSHIP  AND  iMATE- 
RIAL  UNSURPASSED  ::  INTERCHANGEABLE  IN  ALL  DETAILS  ::  BALL 
BEARINGS  ::  LATEST  STYLES  ::  LIGHTEST  WEIGHT  ::  LOWEST  PRICES 
ALL     ELECTRIC     ::      ::      OPERATION     SIMPLE     AND     AT    A     LOW    COST 

The  best  Testimonial:     Constantly  increasing  demand  for  our  vehicles; 
more   than  thirty  patterns   to  select  from  for  business  and  pleasure. 

PURCHASE   NOW   AND    ENJOY  THE    RIDING    SEASON    NOW    OPENING 
CIratuitous    Instruction   given    Lady  Purchasers   of   our   Automobiles 

WOODS     MOTOR    VEHICLE    CO. 

545  to  ,40  Wabash  Avenue,  ChicaKO      ::     Vanderbilt  Ave.  and  44th  St.,  New  York 
14  King  Street,  Toronto,  Ont.,  Canada 

Telephones  *  '^-'''''''SO"   "5''  Write  or  send  for  Illustrated  Automobile  Catalogue 

^  I  Harrison  2301  in  colors;  or,  better  still,  call  on  us 

"Electric  Automobiles,  C.irc,  CMnstruction  and   Oper^ition,"  $1.23,  H.S.Stone  &  Co.,  Pubs,,  Chicago 


By    HUBBUB    WILLING    HUBBUB 


Here  is  a  little  theme  by  our  great  master  Bake-oveii.  In  it 
he  obviously  seeks  to  portray  the  difficulties  of  life  without 
rocks.  The  burden  is  carried  by  the  strings,  on  account  of  the 
composer's  great  difficulty  in  raising  the  wind.  First  comes 
{a)  a  loud  bold  measure,  indicative  of  the  bluff  with  which  he 
stands  off  his  washerwoman,  well  brought  out  by  the  'cello. 
Next  is  a  touching  strain,  where  the  author  meets  a  friend  and 
endeavors  to  negotiate  a  small  loan  {b).  The  contrapuntal 
dissonance  {c)  indicates  that  the  effort  was  unsuccessful.  It  is 
worth  noting  that  motives  (b)  and  [c]  are  repeatedly  worked 
over.  Suddenly  a  diversion  is  heard  from  afar — a  single  shrill 
note.  This  is  the  whistle  id)  of  the  hot-tamale  man.  A  second 
time  this  melodious  fanfare  sounds  forth,  and  in  haste  the  hero 
rushes  offi  With  an  exultant  cry  (<?)  he  clutches  a  piece  of 
tamale.     In  a  rapid  finale  the  piece  then  passes  on  to  its  close. 


MoUo  inoderaio 

I  I 


This  sweet  and  tender  melody  was  composed  when  the 
author  was  67.  Notice  the  horns  ;  in  the  first  performance  it 
is  said  the  composer  was  forced  to  blow  his  own.  The  strings 
come  in  at  the  fourth  bar,  but  do  not  blame  them  ;  it  is  not 
every  one  who  can  pass  three.      The   motive   here  is  supposed 

7 


PlTKIN«^BROOKS 


RKTAILKRS   -  AT   MODKRATK    PRK:KS-   RETAILERS 


A  WELL-SELECTED  STOCK  OF 

Fine  Table  China 
Lamps,  Brie  a  Brae 
and   Jardinieres 


Manufacturers  Rich 
C  u  t    Glass  w  a  r  e 


MR.  EMORY  COBB  ANDREWS 
in  The  Deceitful  Dean 


WE  ARE    EQl  IPFEl)   FOR 

OTTEITTING   EDUCATIONAL,  CHARITABLE  AND 

PUBLIC  INSTITUTIONS  AT  VERY 

LOW  PRICES 


PITKIN  ^  BROOKS 

ESTAIII-ISIIKI)  1S72 

Cor.  State  and  Lake  Sts. 


PROGRAM    NOTES 


C  o  n  t  i  n  u  e  d 


to  have  been  thirst.  The  oboes  —  by  the  way,  how  do  you 
pronounce  oboe  ?  —  have  been  inadvertently  omitted.  It  is 
generally  conceded  that  the  sweetness  and  tender  delicacy  of 
this  little  work  are  perhaps  sweeter  and  tenderer  than  has  gen- 
erally been  conceded.  Further  comment  will  hardly  be  required, 
as  the  pieK:e  has  been  presented  twice  in  America  already. 


Allegro. 


Cellos 


This  splendid  composition,  full  of  color  and  odor,  was  written 
by  mistake,  we  believe,  and  never  rectified.  Here  is  a  timid, 
writhing  figure,  something  like  a  bashful  sea-serpent,  full  of 
syncopated  nervous  scales.  The  bassoons,  the  baboons,  and  the 
madly-sounding  kettle-drums  are  heard  like  a  German  band  in 
the  distance.  The  charming  episode  is  continued  in  spite  of  the 
efforts  of  the  coppers  and  the  brasses  to  arrest  it.  But  hark, 
what  is  that  in  the  distance?  Is  it  our  old  friend  the  wood- 
wind? It  is  no  other.  After  which  the  theme  is  worked  over, 
till  with  solemn  strides  it  rises  to  a  climax,  which  is  sealed  by 
the  whole  orchestra,  which  is  paid  for  at  union  rates,  which 
are  very  reasonable,  which  is  why  they  are  employed,  which — 
excuse  me,  where  was  I?  Let  me  present  motive  46  b,  deliv- 
ered by^the  oboe,  c.  o.  d. 


Andante  niolto 

J.- 


CARSON,  PIRIE 
SCOTT  ^  CO 


"GOOD 
MERCHANDISE 

WISELY   BOUOHT 

HONESTLY   ADYERTISED 

dv  REASONABLY 

SOLD  " 


MK.  HKNRV  ADKINSOX 


Oil  this  timc-lionorcd  and  tested 
platform  we  lia\e  built  up  a 
magnifieent  business.  We  make 
no  effort  to  compete  w  ith  houses 
that  sell  poor  things  cheaply,  but 
bend  all  our  energies  to  supplying  our  customers 
with  the  best  things  of  every  season  at  prices  rul- 
ing lower  than  they  will  be  offered  elsewhere. 

EVERY   SORT  of  good  garment   or  article  of 
clothing  ready-to-wear  for  women,  men  and  children. 

(  E\icpt  men's  suits  aiul  overc.nts.) 

EVPLRV  SORT  of  high-class   fabric,  foreign 
and  domestic. 

K\'KR\'  GOOD  grade  of  carpets,  rugs,  upholstery, 

bedsteads,  bedding,  etc.,  to  add  to  the  comfort  and 

beauty  of  the  home. 

RE.VL    DAROAIXS   (/..•.,  DESIRAIJEE    GOODS    \T    LESS 
THAN    USUAL     PRICES)     IN     E  V  E  R  ^■     STOCK 


.t^ongs"  BY  Miss  M.  Cooke,  Mr.  C.  R.  Barrett,  Mr.  J.  W.  Linn,  Mr  F. 
J.  Miller,  and  others.  ^Dialogue  by  vSeveral  Hands.  .llBusic  from 
Various  Sources,  Arranged  and  Orchestrated  by  Mr.  O.  S.  Brown. 


Cajst: 


Mr.  Scott  Brown 

Mr.  R.  C.  Manning 

Mr.  p.  J.  Payne 

Mr.  E.  M.  Lubeck 

Mr.  H.  M.  Adkinson 

Mr.  H.  G.  Leighton 

Mr.  V.  W.  Sincere 

Mr.  E.  p.  Rich 

Mr.  H.  B.  Challiss 

Mr.  Wilbur  Bassett 

Mr.  C.  B  Davis 


Richard  Wingold  —  The  Academic  Alchemist 

Harry  Burleigh  —  Friend  to  IVingold 

Uriah  Wiley — Head  Professor  of  Alchemy 

William  Brainy  Driver  —  President  of  the  University 

H.  E.  Runsitall  — Secretary  to  President  Driver 

William  McKingly  —  President  of  the  United  States 

Jack  Straw  —  Secretary  of  State 

George  Diddit — Ad>niral  of  the  U.  S.  Navy 

Nelson  A.  Styles —  Major  General  of  the  U.  S.  Army 

Campus  Martius  —  A  Mendicant  Merchant 

P.  D.  Q.  Packingham  —  An  Itinerant  Caterer 

Hautboy  Redfern-Redfern  —  ^«  Indigent  Dancing- Rlaster    Mr.  H.  A.Tirrell 

H.  H.  Kartoffelsalat  —  .^  Needy  Neivsboy  Mr.  B.  R.  Bell 

A.  S.  Drooper      \     v>     u     i    r>t      ■       f  ^  (  Mr.  T.  I.  Prugh 

'^  I    Penitetit  Pilgrims  frotn  1  •" 

Pat  N.  Gill  :    o  A     •  /        rr    ■  r  ■{      Mr.  H.  B.  Challiss 

I    Step  sister   Universities  ] 

C.  K.  Sadams       )  (     Mr.  V.  W.  Sincere 

Mr.  A   F.  Naylor 

Mr.  R.  C.  Brown 

Mr.  M.  E.  Coleman 

Mr.  S.  C.  Mosser 

Mr.  a.  T,  Stewart 

Mr.  H.  p.  Williamson 

Katie  Clattering  —  Stenographer  to  President  Driver  Mr.  G.  A.Young 

Mrs.  Headway  —  One  of  the  Four  Hundred  Mr.  A.  W.  Pierce 

Mrs.  Benison  —  An  Amiable  Almsgivcr  Mr.  C.  S.  Freeman 

Signorina  Giratrice —  Premiere  Danseuse  Mr.  C.  M.  Hoagland 


Braymore  Bellows  —  A  Collapsible  Orator 
Walter  Van  Smirkle  —  A  Retiring  Business  Man 
Roxy  Ann  Shekelsworth  — A  Fair  Philanthropist 
Maud  S.  Trotwell  —  Confidante  to  Roxy  An7i 

Rebecca  Withering  —  An  EncDiy  of  Coeducation     \ 


(iarf)C  v!3otf  lis  ail  ft  -  Messrs.  F.  P.  Barker,  L.  J.  Bevan,  L.  W.  Case,  H.  Cohen, 
H.  E.  Covey,  T.  F.  Freeman,  ,\.  Y.  Hoy,  H.  F.  Mac  Neish,  E.  Monroe,  C. 
M.  Steele,  C.  W.  Trumbull,  E.  A.  Sibley,  H.  Woodhead. 

•Cooks'  >Quartct  -Messrs.  G.  M.  Hobbs,  J.  L.  Cook,  V.  W.  Sincere,  B.  F. 
Millspaugh. 

.§)\DCCpccs'  ^cigabc  —  Messrs.  A.  E.  Bestor,  Eliot  Blackwelder,  H.  B. 
Blakey,  H.  E  Bulkley,  V.  T.  Ferris,  H.  G.  Gale,  R.  C.  Hamill,  E.  C. 
Kohlsaat,  E.  W.  Kohlsaat,  R.  C.  Manning,  H.  H.  Newman,  J.  E.  Raycroft, 
A.  B.  Snider,  H.  B.  Wyman,  H.  E.  Wilkins,  Clark  Reed. 

II 


MR.  GEO    YOX'NG 

MR.  HENRY  ADKIXSON 


Act  1.     Scene  I. 

(with  modekx  variations) 

RUXSITALL.  {Taking 
a  dri;i k  of  zi'a  fer) :  I  f  the 
stao^e  manag-er  would  only 
furnish  Hxdrox  Giiiger 
Ale,  or  some  of  the  other 
IT\clrox  beverages,  like 
Root  Beer,  Birch  Beer  or 
Sarsaparilla,  we  would 
all  he  al)Ie  to  cheer  up 
and  wouldn't  feel  so  blue. 

BURLKIGII.  {  On  scales,  consnitinff  his  book) :  Three 
pounds  lost  since  last  night.  The  doctor  told  me  I  could 
reduce  Hesh  if  I  would  drink  a  few  glasses  of  H\-drox 
Kissing(;n  and  H)-dr()x  \'ichy  on  alternate  days,  and  I 
see  he  was  right.  Xow  I  am  going  to  begin  enjoying 
lite  and  ch'ink  only  Hx'drox  Lithia,  H\'drox  Selters  and 
that  sDarklirg  table  water,  H)-drolaris.  What  a  tim(^  I 
will  have  ! 

Rebecca  WlTHI-RING.  {To  AndicncA:  If  \ou 
want  to  enjoy  life  you  can  obtain  these;  delightful 
beverages  if  yon  writ(,'.  call  or  telephone  The  Consumers 
Comipanv,  .v'^^l''.  B)Utler  and  36th  Streets,  telephone 
south  620. 

( E X  E U  N  r  O  M  N  ES. ) 


1  H  E     C  A  S  T  C  o  n  t  i  n  ti  c  d 

l?olicc  .§)quati  -Messrs.  B.  F.  Millspaugh  and  G.  A.  Young. 

?tnti)royomorpf)tC  ?Cutomata  —  Messrs.  P.  S.  Allen  and  J.  E.  Raycroft. 

.5)CCietp  p c  0 p I e  —  Messrs.  H.  B.  Blakey,  R.  C.  Brown,  W.  E.  Francis,  C.  S. 
Freeman,  R   C.  Hamill,  E.  C.  Kohlsaat,  A.  W.  Pierce,  H.  E.  Wilkins. 

"55  a  0  IDiper  — Mr.  Robert  Keith. 

CbE  'iSlep  bant— Fore-legs,  Mr.  M.  E.  Felt,  Hind  legs,  Mr.  W.  S.  Hilpert 

€!)e  Saniliersitp  ^anb  — Messrs.  F.  Bard,  J.  D.  Cook,  A.  B.  Gracelon, 
E.  D.  Howard,  P.  Rhodes,  Robertson,  G.  Wellemyer. 

SJniVicrsit?  JFootfaall  (I e a m  —  Messrs.  Cassells,  Eldridge,  Flaunagan, 
Herschberger,   Holste,  Kennedy,  Place,  Sheldon,  Speed  and  Webb. 

Cbe  Ca&ics —Masters  Paul  Harper,  L,andor  McClintock,  Howard  Burns, 
Fletcher  Marsh. 

(CI)  orus —  Professors,  Students,  Soldiers,  Sailors;  Messrs.  R.A.Augustine,  W. 
A.  Averill.  H.  J.  Ballentine,  F.  A.  Bard,  F.  O.  Barker,  W.  W.  Blackman, 
C.  E.  Carey,  Herbert  Cohen,  C.  B.  Dirks,  E.  C.  Eicher,  W.  H.  Fielding, 
A.  B.  Garcelon,  H.W.Johnson,  W.  W.Johnston,  Donnald  Kennicott,  Sid- 
ney Klein,  Eliot  Norton,  H.  S.  Osborne,  E.  P.  Rich.  C  W.  Richards, 
D.'R.  Richberg,  E.  A.  Sibley,  A.  J.  Thomas,  A.  J.  Walters,  G.  A.  Wilson, 
H.   S.  Young,    W.  Mac.  Hanchett. 

©jrccutitoc  ^taff 

Mr.  G.  M.  Hobbs,  Musical  Direcior  Mr.  R.  C.  Manning,  Stage  Manager 

Mr.  W.  M.  Kelso,   Business  Manager 

>J2vcciititic  Committee 

Mr.  C.  B.  Davis  Mr.  W.  A.  Gordon  Mr.  C.  D.  W.  Halsey 

Mr,  W.  L.  Hudson  Mr.  C.  S.  Eaton  Mr.  B.  G.  Lee 

Mr.  Clark  Reed 

Mr.  Adolph  Rosenbecker,  Conductor  of  Orchestra. 
The  mechanical  features  of  the  opera — the  automobile,  the  transmuter,  the 
elephant,  etc.,  were  designed  and  constructed  under  the  supervision  of  Mr. 
E.  S.  Norton. 

^pnopsis  of  ^ccncrp 

ACT      I — The  University  Grounds.     Hull  Court. 
ACT    II — Interior  of  the  New  University  Commons. 
ACT  III — Same  scene  as  in  Act  I. 

The  special  scene,  the  Hull  Court  of  the  University  by  Sosman  &  Landis. 
Haberdashery  of  society  men  from  Tom  INIurray. 
Wigs  supplied  by  the  B.  C.  Strehl  Company. 
Jewelry  used  kindly  loaned  by  Spaulding  l^'  Company. 

Ices  served  by  the  Home  Delicacies  Association,  Fine  Arts  Building  (profits 
for  the  Settlement  Fund). 

13 


A  Telephone 
in  the  Home 


saves  time  and  steps  and 
temper. 

Its  use  is  demanded 
every  day.  The  cost  is 
but  tritline — 


16  CtS.  Per  Day 


and 
up. 


riie  ne\\'  Measiu'ed 
Service  ^^■il]  ])lease  you. 
Ask  about  it. 

The  Chicago  Telephone  Co,. 

Contract  Department.       203  Washington  Street     » 


ACT  I 


Scene:       Tue    University  Campus  zvith  Hull   Gate    in    the    back,s;round. 

H.    E.    RUNSITALL,  HARRY    BURLEIGH,  REBECCA    WITHERING    and    CHORUS,    in 

old  and  tattered  garments.     All  faces  shoiv  signs  of  emaciation  and  distress. 

Opening     Chorus: 
(Air:      "Forsaken."     Words  by  F.  J.  M.) 

Forlorn  and  forgotten  and  hopeless  we're  left, 
Abandoned  by  fortune,  of  friends  all  bereft ; 
The  gloom  of  disaster  doth  blacken  our  skies, 
And  grief's  bitter  waters  distill  from  our  eyes. 

For  he  whom  our  leader  aforetime  hath  met, 
Our  needs  oft  presenting,  "  lest  he  should  forget," 
His  love  and  devotion  to  us  hath  forgot  ; 
Oh  bitter,  how  bitter, —  he  kuoweth  us  not  ! 

Oh  sweet  is  the  sound  of  the  nightingale's  song, 
And  the  voice  of  the  brook  as  it  glideth  along  ; 
But  sweeter  by  far  that  wonted  refrain  — 
Oh  heavenly  rapture  —  a  million  or  twain  ! 

RuNSiTALL.  {Taking  a  drink  of  zvater)  It's  not  as  nourish- 
ing as  it  used  to  be  in  the  good  old  days  before  the  drainage  canah 

Burleigh.  {On  scales.,  consulting  his  book)  Three  pounds 
lost  since  last  night.  {Figures  a  moment.)  At  three  pounds 
a  day  I  can  last  just  thirty  days  longer.  (  Pulls  out  his  clothes 
afoot  or  two  to  shoiu  his  decrease  ;  then  goes  to  the  water-cooler., 
singing  ^^ John  D.    Rockejeller.'''') 

Student.  Yes,  I  would  sing  "John  D.  ''  if  I  were  you. 
What's  the  matter  with  John  D  ? 

15 


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Week  Days 

10.00  a.m. 
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Ticket  Office 
and  Docks 

f 

$ 

Special  attention 

To  Binding 
Law  and 
Medical  Books 
Resewing  and 
Repairing 

References: 
University  of  Chicago 

Library 
Cliicai;o  Law  Institute 

Foot  of   Michiiian  Ave. 

/ 

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Telephone  Central  158 

Telephone 
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life  with  the  comfort  and  luxury  of 
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For  illustrated  prospectus  address 

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16 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 

Chorus.     {U'ail)      He's  gone  broke  ! 

Bur.  Don't  yon  believe  it  !  Do  yon  want  to  know  what's 
the  matter  with  our  great  and  good  friend  ? 

All.     Of  course  !     Yes — what  ? 

Bur.  {Confidential  stage  whisper^  Prexy  Driver  told 
the  Student  Council  in  strictest  confidence,  and  three  of  them 
told  me,  that  Mr.  Rockefeller  has  gone  back  on  us  because 
we've  given  up  burning  oil  and  taken  to  soft  coal ! 

Rebecca.  Nonsense !  I've  direct  information  from  the 
Dean  of  Women  that  Mr.  Rockefeller  is  indignant  because  so 
many  men  are  admitted  to  the  school.  He  wanted  it  to  be  the 
Vassar  of  the  West. 

Solo  :     Rebecca  Withering. 
(Air  :     "Jane,  Jane,"  etc.     Words  by  M.  C.) 

You  send  a  man  to  college,  and  I  pledge  you  now  my  word, 

That  he  thinks  he  knows  it  all  from  A  to  Z. 

He  believes  he's  woman's  equal,  and  of  course  that's  quite  absurd; 

It  just  ruins  him  for  all  time,  as  you  see. 

He  will  go  in  for  basket-ball  ;   he  wants  the  tennis  prize  ; 

He  must  play  indoor  baseball,  too;  of  course  he  can't  knock  flies. 

He  won't  believe  that  he  is  frail  and  handicapped  by  size, 

When  he  gets  new-fangled  notions  in  his  head. 

Chorus  : 

Think  !     Think  !     To  let  the  poor  man  think, 
That  he  can  ever  win  athletic  fame, — 
To  let  the  wretches  hope  with  women's  teams  to  cope, 
It  strikes  me  that  it  is  a  burning  shame. 

{Faint  sounds  heard  zvitliout.     Students  all  listeri.) 
Bur.     Oh,  it's  nothing  but  the  band.      {Beckoning)  Come 
on,  boys. 

He  sings  "  Oh  give  us  a  tune.  Band  leader.  Band  leader  !  '' 
ENTER  coi^ORED  JANITOR  {carrying  the  bass  drum)  and  four  members 

OF   THE   BAND. 

{They  stagger  forward  and  try  to  play,  but  the  instruments  wheeze 
and  break  pitif idly .     At  the  C7id  the  janitor  passes  his  cap.) 
Bur.     Aren't  we  miserable  enough  without  this? 


The   Mor2;an    Park   Academy 

of  tlie  University  of  Chicago  is  just  out- 
side the  city  limits  on  the  Chicago,  Rock 
Island  and  Pacific  R.  R.,  in  a  most  favor- 
able school  environment.  The  grounds 
of  the  Academy  are  l^eautiful  and  exten- 
sive and  provide  facilities  for  all  forms  of 
healthful  outdoor  sports.  To  Chicago 
parents  this  advantage  of  the  Academy's 
situation  should  offer  strong  attractions, 
for  it  makes  it  possible  for  them  to  have 
their  boys  at  home  regularly  or  occasion- 
ally on  Saturdays  and  Sundays  and  yet  give 
to  them  the  opportuniiv  to  acquire  stur- 
diness  and  independence  through  se]5ara- 
tion  from  home  during  the  rest  of  the  week.  Advantages  of  this  separation 
appear  in  the  freedom  from  social  distractions,  the  opportunity  of  following 
out  the  order  of  a  well-planned  day,  the  receiving  from  teachers  of  more  in- 
dividual attention  than  is  possible  in  many  of  the  city  high  schools,  the  com- 
munity interests  of  the  school,  and  the  exchange  of  the  oftentimes  harmful 
influences  of  city  surroundings  for  morally  wholesome  and  physically  health- 
ful interests.  Twelve  men  of  experience  and  training  make  up  the  faculty. 
The  six  buildings  are  modern  and  the  equipment  of  library  and  laboratories 
is  complete.     Aftei-  July  /,  igoo,  the  Aauicmy  will  be  a  school  for  boys  o)ily. 

Thorough  preparation  is  given  for  the  University  of  Chicago,  Harvard,  Vale,  and  the 
otiier  leading  colleges  east  and  west.  Two  courses  in  manual  training  work  will  be  added  to 
the  curriculum  next  year.  Visit  the  Academy  and  see  for  yourself  these  advantages,  or  ad- 
dress for  a  catalogue  Wayland  J.  Chase,  Dean  of  the  Academy,  Morgan  Park,  111. 


East  Hall,  one  of  three  Dormitories  of  the 
Morgan  Park  .Academy 


ACADEMIES     AFFILIATED    WITH     THE 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CHICAGO: 

Tnlui  TK  QfAfcnn  T  Tni-V7-(=»i'cif\7  De  Land,  Florida.  (Affiliated  with  the  Uni- 
JUUll  JJ.  OLCLSUU  L^lllVCrbU),  versity  of  Chicago.)  Students  in  delicate 
health  can  find  here  ideal  conditions  of  climate  and  surroundings.  The  very  highest  standards 
of  work  in  College  and  Academy.     Send  for  Catalogue.  John   F.  Forbes,  President. 

Tlic  Frances  Shimer  Academy  tJ:^'i:^fll^^^i^^, 

healthful  surroundings;  high-grade  work  ;  unusual  opportunities  in  Music  and  .Xrt  as  well  as  in 
Scholastic  work;  moderate  expense.  Fall  Quarter  opens  September  nth.  For  illustrated  cata- 
logue apply  to  Rev.  Wm.  P.  McKee,  Dean,  Mt.  Carroll,  111. 


Ken w ood    Institute 


ACADEMY    FOR    GIRLS 

40  East  47th  Street,  Chicago 


Telephone  Oakland  55.; 

J.  n.  KINTZ 
Jackson  Park  Stables 

'"M,.  273  K.  57th  St., 

Chicago 


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1  he  illustralioui  in  this  book  are 
printed  from  plates  made  by  the 

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356  Dearborn  .'street,  who  are 
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THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


Member  of  Band.  Well,  we  never  could  play  anything 
but  "  Hot  Time,"  and  now  that's  barred.  Come  on,  boys,  we'll 
have  a  try  at  the  Women's  Quadrangle. 

EXEUNT   BAND. 

{Squabble  and  wrestling  match  7tow  discovered  between  two  vieji  at 
right  side  of  stage ^ 

Bur,      {Parting  contestants)     What's  the  trouble,  fellows  ? 

Student.  I  gave  him  a  bean  last  week,  and  he  won't  pay 
me  back.      {^Starts  at  antagonist  again.)     I  will  have  a  bean  ! 

Bur.     Let  up  there,  here  comes  Head  Professor  Wiley. 

ENTER  TWO   EMACIATED   FIGURES. 

{They  come  stealthily,  in  true  bandit  majvier,  to  music  of  the 
Tarantella.') 

ENTER   WH,EY. 

Wiley.  {Aside)  Ha !  Good  !  The  charm  works.  I  thought 
I  could  fix  Mr.  Rockefeller  with  that  new  leg-protector  I  sent 
him.  It's  a  sure  cure  for  Philanthropy.  Now  let  'em  starve 
awhile.  I  wish  I  weren't  so  hungry  myself.  They'll  love  me 
all  the  more  when  my  experiment  succeeds.      Then  they'll  sing: 

"Is  that  Prof.  U.  Wiley 
They  speak  of  so  highly" 

instead  of  "John  D.  Rockefeller,  Wonderful  man  is  he."  "The 
University  of  Chicago,  Founded  by  John  D.  Rockefeller. 
Redeemed  by  Uriah  Wiley!"  How's  that  for  high  ?  Hold! 
I've  a  good  mind  to  go  over  to  Northwestern  when  my  tests  are 
certain.  No.  Roxy  Ann  wouldn't  think  of  me  then.  North- 
western Profs,  aren't  in  it  with  those  swell  girls.  Roxy  has  got 
the  philanthropic  habit  too.  That's  what  makes  her  take  such 
an  interest  in  Wingold.  I  wonder  what  that  fellow's  up  to.  I 
can't  keep  track  of  him.  Since  the  President  began  to  appoint 
the  Fellows  himself,  they  don't  take  the  Head  Professors'  courses 
and  we  can't  keep  them  safely  behind  us.  I'll  be  bound  he's 
trying  to  ferret  out  my  secret.  There's  his  pal,  Burleigh.  I'll 
pump  him  a  bit. 

19 


Mrs. 
Helen  E.Starrett's 

Lewis  Institute 

SUMMER  SESSION 
July  9th  to  August  I  7th 

CLASSICAL   AND   SCIENTIFIC 
SCHOOL  FOR  GIRLS 

Courses  in  Science,  Literature  and 
Technology 

Vincennes  Ave.  and  Oakwood  Blvd. 

9 

«{- 


MR.  STACY  C.  MOSSER 


THE  SPIERING 
VIOLIN   SCHOOL 

708-709   Fine   Arts   Building.. .Chicago 


VIOLIN  : 

Mr.  Theodore  Shiering  Mr.  Otto  Roehrhorn 

Mr.  William  Diestel 

'cello  : 
Mr.  Herman   Diestel 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 

Bur.  Professor  Wiley,  can  you  tell  us  the  real  reason  why 
Mr.  Rockefeller  has  deserted  us  ?  Is  it  because  President  Driver 
declined  to  affiliate  Harvard  ? 

WiL.  [hypocritically)  Alas  !  poor  students,  haven't  you 
heard  the  truth  ?  The  Methodists  converted  him  at  a  revival, 
and  now  all  his  money  goes  to  that  suburban  school — North- 
western ! 

{Students  burst  into  tears  and  iveep  aloud.  Wiley  dives  for  a  crust 
dropped  by  Miss  Withering,  zvho  tries  to  7'ecover  it.  They  bump 
heads.      Two  students  seize  upon  Miss  Withering.     She  screams.) 

WiL.  [Returning  crust)  Poor  soul  !  I,  too,  am  starving. 
If  I  should  lose  my  mind — ah  then,  Wingold  might  gain  fame 
and  fortune  while  I  raved  in  a  mad-house.  Alas,  what  a  change 
from  the  days  of  my  prosperity  ! 

Solo:     The  Head  Professor's  Lament.    Wiley. 
(  Air  :     "I'd  Like  It  ;"     Ameer.     Words  by  J.  W.  L.) 

If  the  old-style  Head-Professorship  could  be  revived  again,  I'd  like  it. 
To  be  loved  by  all  the  ladies  and  bowed  down  to  by  the  men,  I'd  like  it. 
Then  we  lectured  if  we  wanted,  and,  if  not,  we  learned  to  dance  ; 
Then  we  wrote  our  checks  for  thousands  and  they  cashed  them  at  a  glance; 
Now,  if  I  were  only  certain  I'd  a  quarter  in  my  pants,  I'd  like  it. 

CHORUS. 

For  I  am  a  Head  Professor,  but  I  can't  seem  to  make  it  pay  ; 

My  income  is  spent,  and  I  haven't  a  cent,  and  I'd  nothing  to  eat  today  ! 

Just  to  go  to  Congregation  in  the  good  old-fashioned  way,  I'd  like  it. 
Just  to  watch  dear  Prexy  yawning  while  I  said  my  little  say,  I'd  like  it. 
Just  to  know  that  all  acknowledged  both  my  learning  and  my  charm  ; 
Just  to  see  the  futile  student  as  he  stared  in  some  alarm, 
While  I  passed  him  with  the  lady  of  his  choice  upon  my  arm,  I'd  like  it. 

To  be  asked  down-town  to  dinner  as  I  often  used  to  be,  I'd  like  it. 
To  get  into  all  the  golf  clubs  and  not  have  to  pay  the  fee,  I'd  like  it. 
To  be  thought  a  fount  of  wisdom  that  could  never  trickle  dry  ; 
Not  to  have  a  single  student,  for  they  never  got  so  high  ; 
To  be  introduced  to  magnates,  and  to  wink  the  other  eye,  I'd  like  it. 

To  compare  the  school  I  teach  in  to  the  one  where  I  was  taught,  I'd  like  it. 
To  attend  the  games  of  football,  but  the  Convocations  not,  I'd  like  it. 
To  be  thought  a  politician  in  a  gentlemanly  way  ; 
To  have  views  about  the  Boers  and  about  Manila  Bay  ; 
And  to  write  a  little  pamphlet  and  distribute  by  the  dray,  I'd  like  it. 

21 


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MR.S.C.  MOSSER 
as  Maud  S.  Trotwell 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


Bur.  Cheer  up,  fellows,  things  have  got  to  take  a  turn. 
They're  on  the  way  now.    Mr.  Runsitall,  do  you  know  Wingold  ? 

Runs.  The  chap  with  the  yearning  look,  who  lives  in  the 
Alchemy  Lab.? 

Bur.  He  doesn't  live  there.  He  only  works  there.  But 
that's  the  man — my  old  chum,  Dick  Wingold,  the  cleverest 
man  who  ever  broke  a  test-tube.  He  looks  like  a  hero,  he  sings 
like  an  angel,  and  he  works  like  —  the  dickens.  He  knows 
everything.  Give  him  a  bone  —  a  simple  bone — and  in  a 
moment  he  will  tell  you  whether  it  belonged  to  a  pterodactyl 
or  a  parallelopipedon.  Clever?  In  two  months  he  can  get  a 
fact  into  the  head  of  a  summer  student.  He  can  cut  hair  ;  do 
tricks  with  cards  ;  make  love  and  make  money. 

Runs.     Well,  what  about  him  ? 

Bur.  Why,  at  this  very  moment  he  is  perfecting  a  ma- 
chine —  but  hush  !  hush  !  —  there  are  reporters  present.  I  only 
wish  he'd  hurry.  It  was  two  weeks  ago  at  noon  today  —  I  had 
an  ^%^  sandwich. 

Runs.  Speaking  of  hunger,  I  heard  a  good  one  yesterday: 
"  What  made  the  Tower  of  Pisa  lean  ?  " 

All.     Give  it  up. 

Runs.     It  boarded  at  the  Women's  Halls. 

REb.  (  Munching  her  crusty  Oh  !  the  food  at  those  Halls  ! 
We've  eaten  all  the  leaves  in  the  Botanical  Herbarium  for 
salad,  and  today  we  reached  the  end.  They  passed  us  each  a 
short  stick  of  slippery-elm.  The  cooks  are  out  now  looking  for 
cube  roots  and  electric  currents. 

EXIT   RUNSITAH.      ENTER   THE   FOUR   COOKS. 

The    Cooks'    Quartette. 
(  Air  :    "  If  You  Want  a  Receipt;"  Patience.    Words  by  F.  J.  M.) 

If  you  waut  a  receipt  for  that  popular  entity 
Known  to  the  world  as  a  '  Varsity  Girl, 
Abandon  awhile  your  accustomed  identity, 
Follow  us  through  our  professional  whirl. 

And  first  you  must  study  the  science  of  cookery, 
Isodynamical  values  of  fat  ; 

23 


Libby's  Canned  Meats  Forty  Years  the  Standard 


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Boneless  Chicken 

A  Delicious  Luncheon 
Sirbstantial 


Carefully  cooked  and  packed  in  the  Libby 
Kitchens  so  that  tlie  natural  flavor  of  fresh 
cooked   chicken   is 
retained. 


Convenient  sizedkey- 
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your  grocer. 

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-M 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


The  learned  contents  of  our  modern  cook-bookery, 
Functions  of  energized  food,  and  all  that. 

Then  learn  of  albuminoid  stuff  protoplastical, 
Fitted  for  structure  of  brawn  and  of  brain  ; 
The  nature  and  forces  of  things  epigastrical, 
Metabolistical  legerdemain. 

Then  bend  your  attention  to  learn  calorimetry, 
Aim  at  a  physico-chemical  symmetry  ; 
Scorn  all  the  ways  that  are  simple  and  practical. 
This  is  the  age  of  the  purely  didactical. 
Marshal  your  learning,  conclusively  show 
ThatyJw  de  Steele  is  never  de  trop. 

Now  list  to  the  following  careful  analysis 
Made  by  our  famed  anatomical  head. 
'Tis  easy  to  see  without  mental  paralysis, 
Girls  are  as  simple  in  structure  as  bread. 
Take  strawberries,  olives,  and  fudges  ad  Hbilmn, 
Crackers  and  lemonade,  candy  and  cheese. 
With  lobster  and  rabbits  ( you  cannot  prohibit  'em  ), 
Coffee  and  pickles  and  pie,  if  you  please  — 

Take  these  as  the  base  of  our  rare  composition, 
(  Drop  in  the  card  of  the  college  physician). 
Add  the  best  brand  of  the  feminine  physical, 
Generous-heartedness,  wit  fine  and  quizzical, 
Beauty  (a  plenty)  and  goodness  and  grace, 
Years  (  not  too  many  ),  book  learning —  a  trace  ; 

Steep  in  an  atmosphere  strictly  grammatical, 
Classico-physico-pure-mathematical  ; 
Turn  them  and  stir  them  till  "  culture  doth  hum  " — 
And  a  '  Varsity  Girl  is  the  residuum. 

Bur.  Fellow  students,  we  can  endure  no  longer.  Let's  raid 
Rector's,  rob  the  Palmer  House,  ransack  the  Auditorium — any- 
thing for  food.  But  stay,  here  comes  our  dauntless  leader;  we 
know  that  he  won't  ask  for  anything,  but  he  may  help  us  by 
pointing  out  opportunities. 

ENTER   PRESIDENT   DRIVER,    RUNSITALL   AND    KATIE   CIvATTERING. 


25 


R.  J.  WALSHE 

Draper 


MR.  C.  S.  FREEMAN 

as  Mrs.  Benison 
(Portrait  by  Dana  Hull) 


Tailor 


2  1 5   Dearborn   Street 


Corner  of  Adams 


CHICAGO 


li.  UIMKKV.  i'rcs  t  1  .  W.  Gll-.MOKK.  Tt 


T.W.WilmarthCo. 

Gas  and  Electric 

Eixturcs 

225  and  227 

State  St. 

We 

make  a 

specialty  of 

fine  house  and 

office  fixtures  of  our 

own    exclusive    designs 


26 


Library  Bureau 

215  Madison  St. 


Makers  of 


Card   Systems 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


Chorus:     He    Is    Our   President. 
(Air:      "  He  is  an  Englishman;"    Pinafore.    Words  by  J.  W.  ly.) 

He  is  our  President,  the  Only! 

He  is  our  President! 

Though  our  poverty  half  craze  us,   when  he  comes   we  lift 

our  praises. 
For  he  is  our  President! 
For  he  might  have  been  a  drummer, 
At  insurance  been  a  hummer. 
But  his  steps  toward  us  he  bent! 
Yet  he  is  our  President! 
And  in  spite  of  powers  reversial 
To  embark  in  schemes  commercial. 
He  remains  our  President, 
He  remains  our  President! 

Driver.  Graduate  Students,  Senior  College  Students,  Junior 
College  Students,  Unclassified  Students,  Affiliated  Students, 
Unaffiliated  Students,  and  miscellaneous  friends,  this  reception 
moves  me — shall  I  say? — strangely.  I  cannot  trust  myself  to  speak 
without  notes,  I  will  not  ask  the  orchestra  to  provide  the 
notes,  but  I  simply  mention  the  fact  that  I  am  ready  to  sing. 
Mr.  Runsitall,  please  hand  me  Ms.  No.  72a! 

Solo  :   Signs  of  Our  Growth  I  Reveal.    Driver. 
(Air  :    "Oddfellows'  Hall."  Words  by  J.  W.  L.) 

My  friends,  I  am  happy  to  greet  you,  to  see  you  all  looking  so  well; 
Although  you  are  thin  in  appearance,  your  voices  are  certainly  swell. 
Till  now  I  have  made  it  my  motto,  good  fortune  to  coyly  conceal, 
But  I  hope  you  will  pardon  the  action,  if  a  bit  of  our  growth  I  reveal. 


Winnings,  losings,  I  report  them  all ;  law  schools,  telescopes,  money  for  a  hall; 
Number  of  students,  price  of  average  meal — 

When  the  times  are  like  these  it  will  certainly   please,  if  the  signs  of  our 
growth  I  reveal. 

Last  week,  at  the  regular  weighing,  our  total  was  64  ton. 
The  women  made  53  of  it,  men  10,  and  the  faculty  i. 
But  yesterday — here  are  the  figures — just  after  the  regular  meal, 
We  went  up  a  hundredweight  nearly!    These  signs  of  our  growth  I  reveal. 

27 


If 

You 

Use 

TlIK 


It  will 
Skkvk 
Vol'  Well 
From 


BOSTON,  QUEBEC, 

NEW   ENGLAND,  MICHIGAN, 

TORONTO,  PHILADELPHIA, 

DETROIT,  MONTREAL, 

NEW  YORK,  ONTARIO, 

BUFFALO,  CHICAGO. 


Solid  Vestibule  T?'ains\ 
via  Niagara  Falls 

GREAT    SCENIC    ROUTE 


Established  1873 


Special  Agents  for  Oxzyn  Balm  and  Powder 
For  the  Complexion  it  lias  no  equal 


MR.  LUBECK.  MR.  ADKINSON 

MR.  YOUNG 


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IMPORTERS    OF 


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HAIR    DRESSING,    SHAMPOOING 
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CHICAGO 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


The  average  weight  of  a  student  is  96  pounds,  at  a  strain, 
Though  the  faculty  run  to  a  hundred  on  account  of  the  heft  of  their  brain. 
The  Greek  is  the  heaviest  section,  Archaeology  close  on  its  heel;  . 

I  myself  am  the  stoutest  instructor;  this  sign  of  my  growth  I  reveal. 

A  gift  I  have  got  you  from  Boston,  where  they  know  what  benevolence  mean§, 

I  hated  to  take  it  from  Harvard — a  couple  of  cases  of  beans. 

Mr.  Smith,  our  anatomy  teacher,  contributes  two  frogs  and  an  eel. 

And  "Anonymous  "  gives  us  a  gridiron.     These  signs  of  our  growth  I  reveal. 

You're  thin,  as  I  said  at  the  outset,  but  others  are  thinner  than  you; 

There  are  skeletons  hanging  in  Haskell,  which  expose  every  bone  to  the  view. 

The  trustees  have  allowed  me  to  promise,  your  misery  sooner  to  heal. 

You  too  may  hang  there  in  a  corner,  the  course  of  your  growth  to  reveal. 

{President  Driver  sinks,  exhausted,  into  the  arms  of  Rimsitatt.) 
Driv.      {Recovering)    Back  to  business  !    Mr.  Runsitall,  the 

mail  !     Let  us  begin  with  the  letters  of  inquiry  concerning  the 

last  summer  quarter.     [Dictates  letters.) 

ENTER   BRAYMORE   BELLOWS. 

Driv.  {Turning  from  his  letters)  Ah,  Mr.  Bellows,  is  it 
not  today  that  you  represent  us  at  the  Western  Intercollegiate 
Oratorical  Contest  ?  But  you  are  not — shall  I  say  ? — in  condition. 

Bel.  Not  quite,  sir.  I  have  been  living  on  air  for  several 
weeks  now. 

Driv.  Well,  well,  we  must  see  what  can  be  done!  We 
should  be  disgraced  if  our  man  went  on  with  this  lean  look  ! 

Runs.  {Hastily  takes  bicycle  pump  from  bag)  This  simple 
apparatus  will  save  the  day  !  {Attaches  the  pump  to  Belloivs  who 
fattens  obviously^ 

Student.  Three  times  three  for  Mr.  Runsitall.  {Students 
cheer.) 

EXIT  BELLOWS. 

Driv,  {Resumi^ig  dictation)  "My  Dear  Sir.  In  reply  to 
your  letter  of  June,  1897  " 

{Exetint  students  gradually ,  leaving  a  few  lying  about  the  stage. 
Miss  lVitheri?ig  and  Wiley  lean  on  each  other  for  stipport.  Exit  Presi- 
dent in  exhausted conditio7i, supported  by  Miss  Clattering  a7id Runsitall.) 

Bur.  This  is  tough!  If  Dick  Wingold  is  going  to  do  any- 
thing, he  can't  get  a  move  on  him  too  soon. 

ENTER   WINGOLD. 

29 


♦    4' 


MR.  H.S.OSBORNE 

As  Society  Girl 
(Portrait  by  Dana  Hull) 


The  Home 
Delicacies  Association 


2970  Groveland  Avenue  ...  Telephone  South  888 
Office  in  the  Corridor  of  the  Fine  Arts  Building 


Frozen  Creams,  Ices,  Cakes 
Home-Made  Bread  &  Salads 


Among  our  many  specialties  ..  Most  careful  service  for  all  the 
branches  of  private  catering ..  Price  lists  sent  on  application 


IHE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


Bur.  Why,  here  he  is!  But  he's  talking  to  himself  and 
I  won't  disturb  him. 

EXIT  BURLEIGH. 

Win.  To  sleep;  perchance  to  dream;  aye,  there's  the  rub! 
{Strokes  his  stomach.) 

WiL.     {Ill  his  sleep.)     Another  plateful— Oh!  that's  good! 

Win.  Poor  creatures!  These  emaciated  forms  inspire  me 
to  renewed  efforts.  I  must  succeed  for  their  sakes.  Besides,  I'm 
hungry  myself. 

Solo:     Love   Song   to   Science.     Wingold. 
(Air:     "Gipsy  Love  Song."     Words  by  J.  W.  L.) 

Some  say  they  are  wedded  to  music  or  art, 

But  I  only  pity  their  folly; 
With  science  I  am  content  to  try 

This  vale  of  melancholy! 
Her  kiss  lies  now  upon  my  brow, 

We  tryst  in  the  laboratory, 
I   hunt  for  the  lass  in  a  measuring-glass, 

And  to  find  her  is  my  glory! 

CHORUS. 

Hail  to  thee,  my  goddess  worth  the  serving, 

Always,  always  true  to  me! 
Long  I  courted,  courted  undeserving, 

And  of  low  degree. 
Now  I  know  thee,  goddess  worth  the  serving. 

Now  I  clasp  your  hand; 
Now  the  secrets  you  would  tell  me 

I  can  understand  ! 

I  worshiped  a  maid  in  the  days  that  are  gone, 

But  alas!  she  went  too,  to  my  sorrow; 
Till  Science  taught:     Though  To-day  is  not. 

You  always  have   Tomorrow! 
The  lesson  learned,  my  woe  I  spurned. 

My  old  love  slipped  its  tether; 
Now  I  walk  through  life  with  my  sweetheart-wife — 

Science  and  I  together! 

{Din  and  clatter  are  heard  without.      Students  sit  up.     An  auto- 
mobile— yiot  made  by  Wood — dashes  in.) 

ENTER   ROXY   ANN   SHEKEI.SWORTH,    MAUD   S.    TROTWEIvL   AND    BURLEIGH. 

31 


MR.  W.  W.  JOHNSTON 
as  Member  of  Chicago  Society 


Special  Portraits 
By  Dana  Hull 


This  photograph  was  taken  in  a  residence  with  ordinary  window 
lighting.  My  new  method  enables  me  to  make  more  artistic 
pictures  and  truer  likenesses  in  your  own  home  than  can  be 
secured  in  any  studio.  For  particulars,  write  or  telephone  to  my 
office  address,  1749  Marquette  Building.  Telephone  Main  1171 
No  photographs  taken  in  studio. 


We  Want  Your  'Plione  Order 
Tel.  Oakland  433 


H.   F.  &f  E.  W. 

EGGERS 

Groceries 
Meats 


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Chicago 


32 


I'aris  ..  New  York  ..  London 


Albert  Roullier 


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HIGH  -  CLASS 
ENGRAVINGS 
&^  ETCHINGS 


Moth  Old  and  Modern  Artists'  Drawings, 

Pii'tmes  in   Oil  and  Water  Colors,  Fine 

Picture  Framing. 


The  Fine  Arts  Building 
203  Michigan  Boulevard 
Suite  742   Chicago 

Telephone  Harrison  166 

Sole    Agent    in    Chicago    for    Frederick 
Keppel  &  Co..  New  York,  London,  Paris 


THE     ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


RoxY  Ann.  Good  day,  my  friends.  I've  heard  much  of 
your  beautiful  campus  and  its  storied  halls,  and  Fve  traveled 
far  to  see  them,  even  from  the  Xong  Shore  Drive. 

Bur.  Yes,  these  ivy-grown  monuments  which  have  with- 
stood the  elements  for  forty  quarters  are  well  worth  the  journey. 
But  we  students,  living  upon  air,  have,  like  your  vehicle, 
"that"  pneumatic  "tired  feeling." 

Rox.  My  heart  bleeds  for  you.  Tell  me,  please  —  do  you 
know  ?  —  no,  never  mind. 

Maud.  What  are  you  trying  to  pump  out  "of  the  good- 
looker,  Roxy  dearest ?  Please  let  him  be  ;  I  have  an  cnc  on 
that  youth  myself. 

Rox.     I  was  only  going  to  ask  him  about  Dick. 

Maud.  Mr.  Wingold  ?  You've  got  Dick  on  the  brain, 
darling.  I'll  bet  /  wouldn't  come  looking  for  any  man  I  had 
thrown  once. 

Rox.  Maud,  I  can't  let  you  speak  so.  Mr.  Wingold  is 
nothing  to  me.  Oh,  Dick,  shall  I  see  you,  I  wonder?  It's 
years  since  I  refused  you  ;   I  was  mad  when  I  did  it ! 

Maud.  So  was  he,  to  judge  by  his  looks.  Quit  him,  Roxy. 
He  was  too  learned,  anyway.  I  don't  like  the  kind  of  men 
that  never  hold  your  hand  except  to  feel  your  pulse.  Let's 
look  about  a  bit.     Isn't   there   anybody  to  show  us  the  sights? 

WiL.  {Still  supporti7ig  Miss  Withering' s  head)  Madam, 
just  follow  the  motion  of  my  hand.  These  are  Kelh',  Beecher, 
Green,  Nancy  Foster  and  Cobb. 

Maud.  (  Waking  Miss  Withering )  Let  your  husband  get 
up  and  show  us  about. 

Reb.  {Wrathjully)^\\'&hd.\\(P.  Indeed!  I  don't  know  the  brute. 

WiL.  (  Rising  stiffly  )  Show  you  about !  Can  you  think 
of  sightseeing  when  we  are  starving? 

Rox.  I  must  not  delay.  Hawkins,  the  hampers  instantly. 
Friends,  I  bring  you  good  cheer. 

Maud.     {Aside)     Unorganized  charity, 

Rox.     Hasten  and  help  to  spread  the  feast  while  I  explain. 

{Stude7its  gather  around  Hazvkins  eagerly,  and  aid  him  in  spread- 
ing cloths  on  the  ground  and  layitig  plates.) 

33 


NOTHING 

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or  sweetheart  as  much  as 
a  suit  of  Nicoll's  Famous 
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TAILOR 


WHY  DID    THE   BOYS  CALL    THELR   GOAT  PA7  ? 


SANDS' 

PURE  CREAM 

BUTTER 


For  Particular  People's  Tables 


MR.  W.  W.  JOHNSTON 
(Portrait  by  Dana  Hull) 


FRESH,  KRAGRAXr,   I  )Kl,ICIOL"S 


BECAUSE  HE   WAS  A  LLTTLE  BUTTER 


34 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


Solo:     The   Fair   Philanthropist.     Roxy  Ann. 
(  Air  :      "  Rosalie."     Words  by  M.  C. ) 

Oh,  I'm  Roxy  Ann  of  the  Drive  —  'Long  Shore  Drive. 
I  come  from  our  very  svpell  side  —  the  East  Side  . 

When  I  ride  on  my  wheel  or  my  automobile, 

Oh,  I  tell  you  I'm  something  to  see. 

Oh,  I've  got  the  philanthropic  fad; 
It's  the  sweetest  fad  I've  had. 
What  it  means  —  don't  ask  me  — 
But  I'm  Queen  of  Philanthropy. 

CHORUS. 

Oh,  she's  got  the  philanthropic  fad  ; 
It's  the  sweetest  fad  she's  had. 
What  it  means  she  can't  see  — 
But  she's  Queen  of  Philanthropy. 

Oh,  I  heard  of  the  awful  despair  —  deep  despair, 

Of  the  hunger  in  this  learning's  lair  —  learning's  lair. 

With  pure  foods  that  seem  quite  strictly  hygiene, 

I  come  just  like  sweet  Charity. 

I  frantically  work  in  the  slum  —  deep,  dark  slum  ; 
Quite  fearlessly  I  go  and  come  —  go  and  come. 

I  carry  bon-bons  to  the  poor  by  the  tons, 

Oh,  I'm  wild  on  philanthropy. 

On  Saturdays  when  it  is  fair —  when  it's  fair, 
I've  a  girls'  class  in  dressing  the  hair  —  fixing  hair. 

On  Mondays  the  boys  I  teach  to  make  toys, 

Quite  practical  work,  don't  you  see  ? 

Oh,  the  Charity  act's  here  to  stay,  I  should  say; 
For  philanthrophy's  awfully  aicfait  —  quite  au  fait; 

For  all  of  our  swells,  the  beaux  and  the  belles. 

Are  twaddling  of  philanthropy. 

{During  the  song  Wiley  ogles  Roxy  Ann  I angui shingly.  Win- 
gold  still  stands  aloof  minotieed.) 

Rox.  {ope7iing  the  basket  and  distributing  its  contents) 
Now  for  the  feast.  I  have  brought  only  a  few  simple  things. 
Here  is  pate  de  fois  gras,  and  here  diamond-back  terrapin. 
Perhaps  some  of  yon  will   enjoy   this  canvas-back   duck.     Who 

35 


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THE    ACADEMIC    A  L  C  H  E  M I S '1 


wants  caviar?  Or  do  you  prefer  anchovies?     But    here,   Maud, 
you  take  charge.      I'm  going  to  look  about. 

{Students  bolt  the  food  voraciously .     Roxy  Ann  comes  forward  and 
catches  sight  of  Wingold.) 

EXEUNT   CHORUS. 


DuET:     Proposal    and    Rejection.     Roxy  Ann 

AND  Wingold. 

(Air:     "  Long  Years  Ago  ;  "  Patience.     Words  by  M.  C.) 

Rox.  Long  years  ago,  beside  the  sea, 

(I  was  a  maid  of  sweet  sixteen) 
You  swore  you  loved  no  one  but  me, 

That  naught  our  souls  could  come  between! 
I  see  that  scene  in  all  the  glow, 
The  beauty  rare  of  long  ago. 
Time,  have  you  such  sad  changes  wrought. 
That  all  the  past  must  be  forgot? 
Ah,  can  we  not  call  back  that  time, 

That  day  of  love  and  joy. 
When  I  was  just  your  little  maid. 

And  you  were  but  a  boy? 

Win.  Ah,  old,  old  tale  of  moonlight  night! 

She  is  quite  right,  she  is  quite  right: 
She  was  my  summer  girl. 

Rox.  I  hear  the  waves'  low  sigh  again, 

'Twas  moonlight  when  you  murmured  then, 
I  was  your  summer  girl. 

VJn<i. {tragically)  A.\&s\   the  past  must  be  forgot, 

For  Science  is  my  mistress  now. 
And  lone  must  be  my  lot! 

CHORUS. 

Rox.  Ah,  can  they  never  come  again  ? 

Win.  Ah,  they  will  never  come  again, 
Both.  Those  happy  day  of  Cupid's  reign; 

Rox,  I — Amaryllis  Ann, 

Win.  Sweet  Amaryllis  Ann — 
Rox.  He  was  my  Daphnis  swain! 

Win.  I  was  her  Daphnis  swain! 

37 


Wool  Soap 


After  hard  exercise  ot  any 
kind  the  pleasure  of  a  bath 
is  much  increased  by  the  use 
of  Wo  o  1  So  a  p,  the  purest 
soap  afloat. 

Athletes  in  training  will 
appreciate  its  refreshing 
effect.     Sold  by  all  dealers. 


Made  by  SWIFT  AND  COMPANY 
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THE  BEST 

Is  Always  in  Demand 


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THE  BEST  UNIVERSITY 
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THE  B  E  S  T  T  E  A  -  M  O  N  S  C)  O  N 
THE  BEST  COFFEE—  RICHELIEU 
THE  BEST  BAKING  POWDER— RICHELIEU 
THE  BEST  CANNED  GOODS  — RICHELIEU 
THE  BEST  GROCERS   SELL— RICHELIEU 


38 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


REPEAT  TO   CHORUS. 

Both.  Ah,  will  they  come  ?     No,  never  more. 

It  cannot  be,  love,  as  before. 
Rox.  I'm  on  the  social  wave; 

Win.  She's  on  the  social  wave; 

Rox.  I'm  on  the  social  sea^ 

Win  ■         Stern  Science  rules  o'er  me! 

{Maud Jiirts  desperately  zvith  Burleigh  and  Wiley  during  the  song.) 

Win.  Miss  Shekels  worth,  farewell.  I  return  to  the  lab- 
oratory to  work  for  Science  and  the  University. 

EXIT  WINGOLD. 

Rox.  {sadly)  Come,  Maud,  we  really  must  go.  We've  a 
long  journey  before  us  and  it  may  take  us  till  midnight,  if  the 
automobile  gets  tired. 

Maud.  All  right,  off  we  go.  Won't  you  give  me  a  cigar- 
ette before  I  go,  Mr. Mr.  I   didn't  catch  your  name. 

WiL.     I  am  Dr.  Wiley,  Head  Professor  of  Alchemy. 

Maud.     Dear  me  !    What's  that?    Don't  forget  the  cigarette. 

WiL.     {Stammering)  I  don't  smoke. 

Maud.     Don't  smoke  !    Are  you  all  like  that  ? 

WiL.     I  have  a  colleague  that  can  smoke. 

Maud.  The  wicked  man  !  Come  on,  Roxy,  we  "  seen  our 
duty  and  we  done  it !  " 

Rox.  Yes,  and  they'll  never  suspect  that  the  University 
Settlement  people  recommended  them  to  us  as  deserving  objects 
of  charity  ! 

WiL.     Allow  me  to  accompany  you. 

EXEUNT   ROXY   ANN,    MAUD,  WILEY   and  BURIvEIGH. 

ENTER  SOCIETY  GROUP  Ott  right,  PRESIDENT  DRIVER,  RUNSITALL  and 

MISS   CLATTERING  OH  left.      MUSIC. 

Mrs.  Headway,  {looking  about  through  her  lorgnette)  Ah, 
these  must  be  some  of  the  poor  destitutes.  {Approaching  Bur- 
leigh and  ofiering  a  card.)  My  good  man,  this  ticket  entitles 
you  to  a  nice  bowl  of  hot  soup  at  23  West  Went  worth  St.  By 
taking  five  lines  of  cars  you  can  get  there  very  conveniently. 

Mrs.  Brnison.     {Offering  Pres.  Driver  a  battered  silk  hat) 

39 


5vJ  5 


M.  H. 


McCarthy 


MR.  RALPH  HA.MII.L         MR.  HENRY  GALE 

MR.  RALPH  WEBSTER 

as  Members  of  the  400 


Formerly  120  Dearborn  Street. 


Merchant 
Tailor 


Begs  to  announce  that  he 
has  removed  to 


I  I  5  Monroe  Street 
Montauk 
Block 

Second  Floor 


The  Man  and  the  Bear 


There  is  a  story  of  a  hunter  who,  despising  the  bears 
of  his  own  country,  travelled  far  away  to  have  a  good 
hunt.  When  he  arrived  at  his  destination  he  found 
that  the  bears  of  his  own  country  were  big  enough  to 
eat  up  two  of  the  bears  that  he  had  come  so  far  to  bag. 
Don't  be  like  the  man  who  wanted  bears.  WE  can 
fit  you  out  with  as  fine  electrical  supplies  as  can  the 
Eastern  Houses,  and  we  can  do  it  cheaper,  too.  Any- 
thing dainty  or  novel  in  the  electrical  line.?  We  have  it. 

Call  and  See  Us.   We're  always  "at  hoa\e." 


CENTRAL   ELECTRIC    CO. 


64-270    FIFTH    AVE. 


CHICAGO 


40 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


My  poor  man,  here's  a  hat  for  you.     It  may  be  a  trifle  small — 
but  it's  very  little  worn. 

Driv.  Thank  you.  May  I  mention  the  fact  that  I  have 
not  eaten  anything  for  twenty-four  hours  ?  I  never  ask  for 
food,  but  simply  call  attention  to  opportunities. 

Van  Smirkle.  {To  Miss  Withering)  Awfully  sorry, 
don't  you  know,  to  hear  of  this  fearful  destitution.  Here's  a 
pass  to  a  woodyard  where  they'll  give  you  lodging  and  break- 
fast for  sawing  a  cord  of  wood. 

ENTER  hastily  braymore  beli^ows,  collapsed  and  breathless, 

Bel.     Punctured  by  an  Illinois  Central  turnstile  ! 
{RtDisitall  repairs  hiui  zvith  a  plaster  and  Inirries  him  off.) 

Mrs.  Headway.  How  inspiring  it  must  be  to  these  poor 
creatures  to  see  a  group  of  the  "best  people  !  "  | 

il 

Octette.     Song   of   Prosperity. 
(Air:    "Oh  I  Love  Society.") 

We  are  people  of  high  degree, 

Rich  as  people  could  wish  to  be. 

Ours  are  palaces  fit  for  kings, 

Filled  with  countless  expensive  things. 

Stately  flunkeys  attend  our  call; 

Cooks  and  maids — we  have  dozens  in  all. 

When  abroad  we  would  take  the  air, 

Lo,  a  carriage  and  pair. 

CHORUS. 
Oh!  We  are  Society! 
High  Society!  Rich  Society! 
Yet  do  we  deign  now  and  then  to  give 
Charity,  so  that  the  poor  may  live. 

By  "conspicuous  waste"  we  know 
How  our  power  and  wealth  to  show. 
Silks  and  satins  and  laces  rare, 
All  the  jewels  that  women  wear, 
Yachts  and  horses  that  please  the  men — 
These  belong  to  the  Upper  Ten. 
Since  we  spend  with  a  lavish  hand 
We  are  great  in  the  land. 


41 


Chicago  e^NORTH  WESTERN  railway 


CSTP.M&ORy 
F.E&MY.R.R. 


AND 


S.C&RRR 


The  Pioneer  Line  West  and  Northwest  of  Chicago 

6    FAST   TRAINS 


The  Overland  Limited 

California  in  3  days 

every  evening 

The  Colorado  Special 

One  night  to  Denver 

every  morning 

The  Chicago-Portland  Special 

Oregon  and  Washington  in  3  days 

every  evening 


The  North -Western  Limited 

Electric  Lighted — Chicago,  St.  Paul 
and  Minneapolis  every  evening 

Duluth  and  St.  Paul  Fast  Mail 

Fast  train  to  the  head  of  the  lakes 

every  night 

The  Peninsula  Express 

Fast  time  to  Marquette  and  Copper 
Country  Jevery  night 


THE  BEST  OE  EVERYTHING 


H.  R.  McCULLOUGH 
3d  Vice-President 


W.  A.GARDNER 

General  ISIanager 
CHICAGO,  ILL. 


W.  B.   KNISKERN 
Gen.  Pass. <5^Tkt.Agt. 


42 


The  Gvmnasium  at  the  Settlement 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


Now,  you  destitute  classes,  hear: 
Social  science  has  made  us  fear. 
Thrift,  economy  you  forget; 
Sometimes  even  you  fall  in  debt. 
Hence  the  prizes  of  life  you  miss; 
Hence  comes  misery  such  as  this. 
Cure  these  habits,  or  things  you'll  find 
Less  and  less  to  your  mind. 

CHORUS. 

Oh!  We  are  Society! 

High  Society!  Rich  Society! 

Yet  do  we  deign  now  and  then  to  give 

Counsel  to  Poverty  how  to  live. 

Mrs.  Ben.  President  Driver,  I  want  to  speak  to  you. 
[PresideJtt  groans.)  Won*t  you  come  to  my  reception  to- 
morrow, and  bring  a  list  of  your  ten  favorite  foods?  Rev.  Mr. 
Rorer  is  going  to  lecture  on  "Cookery  from  Browning  to  Burne- 
Jones. " 

ENTER   WINGOLD,   BURLEIGH   and  STUDENT. 


Solo:     Song    of    Triumph.     Wingold. 
(Air:     "Refrain,  Audacious  Tar;"  Pinafore.  Words  by  F.J.  AI.) 

Hurray,  hurray,  hurray! 

Be  happy-hearted! 
Dull  care  from  you  today 

Is  wholly  parted. 

Bail  out  each  tearful  eye 

Where  woe  was  lurking; 
Be  joyful  now,  for  my 

Machine  is  working! 

{Burleigh  and  other  students  ncsh  off  and  drag  in  a  machine. 
Wingold  opens  the  throttle  and  large  gold  bricks  drop  out  of  the  chute. 
Wiley  shakes  his  fist  over  his  head  and  pushes  his  way  through  the 
crowd. ) 

Dri\'.  (  Holding  a  brick  in  each  hand)  And  I  never  asked 
for  them  ! 

43 


c.  p. 

Kimball  &  Co. 


MR.  PERRY  J.  PAYNE 
as  Uriah  Wiley. 


Over 

One  Hundred 


New  and 
Stylish 


Slimmer 
Carriages 


In  Exquisite 
Designs,  Perfect 
Workmanship  and 
Moderate  Prices 


P.  KIMBALL 
&  CO. 

315,^16,317  Michigan 
Avenue  ...CHICAGO 


CUTLERY 


We  Invite  Especial  Attention  to  this 
department  with  over  1,000  patterns  of 
Pocket  Knives,  Razors,  Carvers,  Table 
Cutlery,  Scissors,  Shears,  Ladies'  Cut- 
lery, Cases  and  Manicure  Instruments. 


Pocket  Knives  from  10  cents  i-blade  to  Joseph  Rogers 
\"  Sons'  finest  4-hlade  silver-mounted  knife  at  $8.50. 
Combination  Knives  from  $1.00  to  a  ])earl  handle  i  to 
17  blades  and  tools,  knife  at  $8.50.  Razors,  from  a 
40-cent  Wade  &  Butcher  to  an  ivorv  haft,  gold  etched 
blade  at  $3.50.  Star  Safety  Razors,"$i.25.  Le  Coultre 
Razors,  with  i  to  7  detachable  blades.  Carvers  from 
Si. 25  to  the  finest  damascene  blade  at  $25.00  per  pair. 
Shears  from  35  cents  up.  Scissors  from  10  cents  to  $1 .20 
Many  novelties  in  table  cutlery. 


"ALA.SKA"  and  "STAR" 

Refrigerators,  Zinc,  White,  Enameled  and 

Porcelain, Tile  Lined,  at 

$5.95  to  $121.00 

"MAJESTIC" 

Malleable  Iron  and  Steel  Ranges. 

Best  in  the  world. 

ORR  &  LOCKETT 
HARDWARE  CO. 

7 1  i!t  73  Randolph  St. 


Announcement. . . 


Hall  &  Pauly 

T.MI.ORS 

Room  2  I o 

167  Dearborn  St. 


Mr.  J.  B.  Hall, 

long  and  favorably  known  in  Tailor- 
ing Trade  in  Chicago,  begs  to  inform 
his  old  friends  and  patrons  that  he 
has  formed  a  partnership  with  Mr. 
Harry  W.  Pauly  (late  cutter  for  C.  S. 
McMillen),  at  room  2  lo,  167  Dearborn 
Street,  Old  Stock  Exchange  Building, 
where  we,  will  be  pleased  to  show 
them  the  latest  styles  and  patterns  in 

Su?Jimer  Goods 

for  stylish  and  well  made  garments, 
at  moderate  prices. 


44 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMISl 


Grand  Final  Chorus. 
(Air  :      Patience.     Words  by  F.  J.  M.) 

Hurrah  for  us  !  Great  joy  for  us  ! 
Here's  gold  without  alloy  for  us  ! 
Our  Wingold  is  the  boy  for  us  ! 

Hard  times  have  fled  away  ! 
Hurrah  for  us  !     Great  joy  for  us  ! 
Here's  gold  without  alloy  for  us  ! 
Hurrah  !     Hurrah  ! 

Chicago  wins  the  day  ! 

Curtain. 


MK    MEI.VIN   E.COLEMAN 

MR.  STACY  C.  MOSSER 


45 


CONTRIBUTORS  to  the  SETTLEMENT   FUND 


Mr.  F.  M.  Atwood 
Auditorium  Pharmacy  Co. 
Mrs.  Geo.  P.  Bent 
Mr.  J.  C.  Beam,  Jr. 
J.  Harlej'  Bradley 
Borden's  Condensed  Milk  Co. 
Bowman  Dairy  Co. 
Burley  &  Company 
Mrs.  Harriet  Brainard 
The  Berkshire  Life  Ins.  Co. 
Brazil  Block  Coal  Co. 
Mr.  Clarence  Buckingham 
Mrs.  Alfred  Baker 
Miss  Annice  B.  Butts 
Mr.  J.  Harley  Bradley 
Mr.  W.  Barsaloux 
Carson,  Pirie,  vScott  &  Co. 
Chicago  Beach  Hotel 
John  Conrad  &  Co. 
Cutter  &  Crossette 
C.  &  N.  W.  Ry. 
Commonwealth  Electric  Co. 
Mr.  J.  J.  Coffey 
Chicago  Telephone  Co. 
The  Consumers  Company 
Central  Electric  Co. 
Cluett,  Peabody  &  Co. 
Mr.  John  A.  Cole 
Chicago  Woman's  Club 
Chautauqua  Assembly 
Mr.  E.  R.  DeTamble 
Mr.  P.  DeTamble 
Mr.  E.  C.  Dyer 
Mr.  Ernest  W.  Eggers 
Electric  Appliance  Co. 
Earl  &  Wilson 
Mr.  E.  D.  Ellis 
Mr.  Livingston  Fargo 
The  Frances  Shinier  Academy 
Wm.  Gnis  &  Sou 
Grand  Trunk  Ry. 
Goodrich  Transportation  Co. 
Mr.  S.  E.  Gross 
Mr.  David  Gamble 
Mr.  W.  C.  Hollister 
Mr.  F.  C.  Hollister 
N.  W.  Harris  &  Co. 
Hall  &  Pauly 
Mr.  Chas  L.  Hutchinson 
Mr.  S.  H.  Hurd 
Illinois  Central  Ry. 
Illinois  Electric  Vehicle  Trans- 
portation Co. 
Mr.  W.  G.  Jerreuis,  Jr 
Mr.  J.  H.  Kintz 
C.  P.  Kimball  &  Co. 
Mr.  O.  S.  Lyford 
Lewis  Institute 


Libby,  McNiell  &  Libby 

Lapp  S:  Flershem 

Library  Bureau 

Mr.  John  R.  Lindgren 

Mr.  J.  L.  Laughlin 

Lookout  Clul) 

Mr.  Andrew  McAdams 

McKeown  Brothers 

Nelson  Morris  &  Company 

Morrisson,  Plummer  &  Co. 

Franklin  MacVeagh  &  Co. 

Mr.  M.  H.  McCarthy 

Morgan  Park  Academy 

Mr.  Fred  N.  Mathews 

Mr.  C.  B.  Niblock 

Newberger  &  DeBrovy 

Orr  &  Lockett  Hardware  Co. 

Pitkin  &  Brooks 

Dr.  N.  A.  Pennoyer 

Prosch  &  Newman 

Mrs.  Chas.  Pope 

Dr.  Norval  Pierce 

Queen  ^:  Crescent  Ry. 

Mr.  Albert  Roullier 

Rowe  Brothers 

Miss  M.  Rice 

W.  L.  Robinson  &  Co. 

Mr.  C.  L.  Ricketts 

Miss  Sara  Reidy 

Mr.  Dan  Riordan 

Mr.  W.  S.  Ransome 

Mrs.  Helen  E.  Starrett 

Mr.  Orson  Smith 

J.  B.  Stetson  University 

Swift  &  Company 

Mrs.  B    C.  Strehi 

O.  Sands  Company 

Southern  Ry. 

Stamsen  &  Blome 

Scott,  Fort-sman  &  Co. 

Mr.  M.  Strasberger 

Sprague,  Warner  &  Co. 

Mr.  .-Arthur  Smith 

Mrs.  Geo.  Sturges 

Miss  Clara  Sturges 

Miss  Helen  Sturges 

Mrs.  Geo.  Seaverns,  Jr. 

Service  Club 

Mr.  J.  C.  Vaughan 

Mr.  Alfred  Williams 

Mr.  A.  L.  Weil 

O.  T.  Wall  .<c  Co 

Woods  Motor  Vehicle  Co. 

Mr.  Franklin  Wvman 

T.  W.  Wiimarth'Co. 

Mr.  R.  J.  W^alshe 

H.  Zei.ss  cv.  Compau}- 


46 


THE    ACADEMIC    A  L  C  H  E  i\r  I S  1" 


ACT    II. 

Scene:  Interior  of  the  new  University  Commons.  Waiters  are  hurrying 
to  and  fro.  Guests  arrive  and  pass  into  banquet  halt.  Drinking  songs  are 
heard  from  an  inner  apartment. 

ENTER   FOUR   STUDENTS. 

Quartette. 

ENTER  wiNGOLD,  BURLEIGH  and  others. 

Win.  Wonderful  is  science.  Thanks  to  my  invention, 
we  are  on  the  crest  of  the  wave.  But  alas!  what  a  change  for 
the  rest  of  Chicago.  The  banks  are  closed,  bonds  and  stocks 
worthless,  and  our  friends  of  Michirie  Avenue  are  penniless.  I 
fear  I  put  too  much  gold  on  the  market  at  once.  However,  I 
want  to  show  you  my  latest  invention.  It  may  amuse  you. 
Harry,  bring  on  the  Anthropomorphic  Automata. 

{^Burleigh  and  a?i  assistant  bring  in  two  marionettes,  which  are 
fastened  to  imaginary  wires  let  doivn  from  the  flies  ^ 

DUET:      AUT0]MAT0N    PHILOSOPHY. 

(Air:    "Tarara  Boom  Deay."    Words  by  J.  W.  L.) 

Hello,  here  we  are  again, 

Born  from  Wingold's  fertile  brain. 

Though  we  leap  as  if  in  pain, 

Really  we  enjoy  the  game. 

We  can  laugh:  ha-ha,  hurrah!  i 

When  the  proper  string  they  draw. 

Such  a  sight  you  never  saw — 

Wingold's  new  Automata! 

You  may  think  us  very  queer, 
Yet  our  like  are  far  and  near. 
They  who  walk  while  others  steer 
Make  a  mighty  host,  we  fear. 
Politics,  religion — bah! 
All  are  full  of  men  of  straw. 
Whom  we'claim  as  kin-in-law — 
Wingold's  new  Automata! 

47 


The  Chicago  Beach  Hotel 

Fiftv-tirst  Street  Boulevard  &^  Lake  Shore 


i  |»»^...^: 


■  -ii- ''''--  ^h:!^^'^'^^''--- 


A  High-Class  Residential  and  Transient  Hotel.  Located  in 
the  heart  of  the  fine  residence  district.  Conducted  in  a 
manner  to  attract  the  best  patronage.  The  most  comfortable 
abiding  place  the  year  round  in  Chicago.  Away  from  dirt  and 
noise.  Warm  in  winter.  Cool  in  summer.  450  large  rooms. 
All  outside.  No  courts.  Furnished  throughout  in  mahogany. 
220  Private  Bathrooms.  Illinois  Central  Express 
Suburban  trains  every  10  minutes.  7  minutes  to 
Van  Buren  Street.  Inspection  invited.  If  de- 
sired representative  will  call  with  diagram  and 
rates. 


SEXD  FOR   HA  XD  SO  ME 
BOOKLET 


48 


MR.  PERRY  J.  PAVNK 

in  The  Deceitful  Dean 


IHE     ACADEMIC    A  L  C  II  1.  M  I  S  I 


If  you  think  our  statements  flat, 
Think  we  don't  know  where  we're  at, 
Ask  INIark  Hanua,  Croker,  Piatt, 
Whether  there  is  truth  in  that. 
Laugh,  my  friends,  ha-ha,  ha  ha. 
Yet  the  statement  holds  no  flaw; 
You  are  mostly  kin-in-law 
To  us  poor  automata! 

ENTER   WILEY. 


WiL.  {aside)  A  few  more  hours  and  I  shall  humiliate  this 
young  upstart. 

Win.  I  wish  those  poor  society  people  might  share  our 
pleasures.  I  am  haunted  by  the  thought  of  their  misfortunes. 
Why,  the  other  night  at  the  opera  it  was  simply  pathetic  to  see 
them  peering  from  the  top  gallery. 

Student.  Well,  opera  is  a  luxury  you  can  get  along  with- 
out ;  but  just  think  of  their  not  having  a  golf  course  to  their 
name. 

Win.  That's  right.  The  University  Golf  Trust  bought 
up  the  Onwentsia  course  for  six  gold  bricks  last  week.  Now  it 
controls  them  all. 

Student.  The  Faculty  and  students  have  gone  wild  over  the 
game!    Have  you  seen  Mr.  Runsitall  in  his  imported  golf  suit  ? 

Win.     Hush,  the  famous  putter  approaches. 

ENTER  RUNSITALL  and  KATIE  CLATTERING  ifi  automobile. 


Solo:     The    Golfer's   Song.     Runsitall. 

(x\ir:      "Duncan  (kay."       Words  by  A.  S.) 

Golfs  the  game  at  the  U.  of  C. 

Ha  !  Ha  !  The  playing  o't. 
From  president  to  freshman  wee 

They're  all  playing  o't. 
Deans  and  janitors  to  boot 
Mak'  the  links  their  only  route, 
Miss  the  ball  and  then  yell — Hoot! 

Ha!  Ha!  The  playing  o't. 

49 


Hotel 
Del  Prado 


E.  C.  DVER 
Proprietor 


Fifty-Ninth   Street 

and  Washington   Avenue 

on  the 

Midway   Plaisance 


Chica^'o 


Three  blocks  from 
the  University 


«^- 


MANUAL  TRAINING  CLASS 
at  The  Settlement 


50 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


Lab'ratories  are  supplied — 

Ha  !  Ha  !  The  teaching  o't — 
Wi'  caddies,  cleeks  and  bunkers  wide. 

Ha  !  Ha  !  The  teaching  o't. 
Golfing  wrinkles  by  the  score, 
Putting  taught  in  seminar. 
Pupils  flock  from  near  and  far. 

Ha  !  Ha  !  The  teaching  o't. 

Standing,  good  and  ill,  's  abolished. 

Ha  !  Ha  !  The  scoring  o't. 
Flunk's  a  word  we  think  unpolished, 

Ha  !   Ha  !  The  scoring  o't. 
Drives  are  A,  and  brassey  shots 
B,  and  sliced  ones  C,  and  lots 
Topped  or  foozled  mar  with  blots 

Gurney's  scoriug  sheet. 

From  one  vice  we're  still  exempt. 

Ha  !  Ha  !  The  swearing  o't. 
No  rivalry  our  tongues  attempt. 

Ha  !   Ha  !  The  swearing  o't. 
When  low  grades  the  deans  impel 
Athletes  to  debar — Ah,  well 
We  resist  and  don't  say  

Ha  !   Ha  !  The  swearing  o't. 

EXEUNT   RUNSITALL   afld  MISS   CLATTERING. 
ENTER  FOUR  CADDIES. 

(  They  dance  forward  and  take  places,  two  right  and  two  left.') 

ENTER  TWELVE  GOLF  GIRLS. 

(  They  dance  zvhilc  the  chorus  sings.') 

Golf   Chorus. 

(Air:    Faust  Waltz.     Words  by  J.  W.  L.) 

ENTER   PREMIERE    DANSEUSE. 

{^Pas  Seul  by  the  Premiere  Danseuse.) 

ENTER   PRESIDENT   DRIVER. 

Chorus:     "  H  e  Is  O  ur  Preside  nt." 
(Air:      "  He  is  an  Englishman  ;  "    Pinafore.) 

ENTER      MRS.     HEADWAY,     MRS.     BENISON,     MR.     VAN     SMIRKLE,     and    OTHER 

SOCIETY  PEOPLE. 

{They  are  i7i  evident  distress.      They  carry  baskets  on  their  arms, 
and  look  at  the  company  with  longing  glances.) 

51 


Call  an  Electric  Cab 


Harrison  1939 


ALL  society  people  are  using  our 
electric  cabs.  Obtain  a  license 
and  operate  our  open  summer 
V'^ictorias,  Stanhopes,  Runabouts  and  Sur- 
reys. Form  an  automobile  party. 
Rates  for  summer  vehicles  upon  appli- 
cation. Special  monthly  contracts  made 
for    both    cabs    and    pleasure    vehicles. 


.MR.  FRANZ  AXDKRSON 
as  Martin  Dooley  in 
The  Deceitful  Dean 


CAl!   RATES 

HANSOMS     ::     HRorc.HA.M.s     ::     CARRIAGES 


First  two  miles  or  less 
Each  additional  mile 


TWO  PEOPLE   FOl'K  PEOPLE 

.50  Si. GO 

.2^  .^O 


HV     rilK    llnrR 

Shoj)ping  and  calling Si.oo 

Park  and  pleasure 1. 50 


«i.50 
2.00 


OI'FICKS   AND   STATIONS 


South  Sidi 

4612  Cottage  Grove  Ave. 

Tel.  Oakland  5^5 


52 


Siiulh  Town  Xortli  Side 

172  Michigan  Ave.  283  North  State  Street 

I'el.  Harrison   i.^vj  I'el.  North  S07 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


Mrs,  Head.  President  Driver,  will  you  not  take  pity 
on  the  destitute  ? 

Driv.  Madam,  I  must  refer  you  to  the  professor  who  makes 
a  specialty  of  the  dependent,  defective  and  delinquent  classes. 
He  will  help  you  to  help  yourselves. 

Chorus:     The   Students'    Revenge. 
(Air:     "Oh,  I  Love  Society.") 

We  were  recently  down  in  luck, 
In  the  slough  of  despond  were  stuck. 
Then  the  people  of  high  degree, 
Rich  as  people  could  wish  to  be, 
Preached  us  sermons  about  our  sin; 
Told  how  shiftless  we  must  have  been. 
Now  'tis  they  who  are  minus  gold; 
We  have  riches  untold. 


Oh!  our  University! 
Unapproachable  University! 
All  of  her  troubles  have  passed  away ; 
Prosperous  fortune  has  come  to  stay. 

All  their  pride  is  abased  to  dust. 
Hunger  drives  them  to  beg  a  crust. 
We  have  everything  students  seek: 
Balls  and  parties,  yes,  six  a  week; 
For  athletics  a  thousandfold 
What  we  had  in  the  days  of  old; 
Commons  where  at  the  rate  we  pay 
Of  a  dollar  a  day. 

CHORUS. 

If  you  ask  for  the  reason  why, 
It  is  easy  to  make  reply. 
That  which  ended  for  yood  our  woe 
Wasn't  practicing  virtues  slow; 
Science,  Science  has  set  us  free, 
Raised  us  high  in  prosperity. 
Incidentally  she  has  brought 
Many  others  to  naught. 

CHORUS. 

53 


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RENTING  OF 


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A  SPECIALTY 

CLASS    HATS  &'  CAPS  &•  CLASS   CANES 

College  Flags,  Class  and  College   Pins 


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41  1  E.  Fifty-seventh  St. 

CAGO,   ILL. 


54 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


Mrs.  Ben.  How  heartless  these  University  people  are  ! 
Think  of  our  once  princely  citizens  being  forced  to  begin  again 
at  the  bottom  of  the  ladder  ! 

Van  S.  Too  true.  I  saw  Campus  Martins,  P.  D.  Q.  Pack- 
ingham,  H.  H.  Kartoffelsalat  and  Hautboy  Redfern- Red  fern 
at  the  kitchen  door  as  I  came  in. 

ENTER   CAMPUS    MARTIUS,  P.  D.  O.  PACKINGHAM,   H.  H.  KARTOFFELSALAT  and 
HAUTBOY   REDFERN-REDFERN. 

( They  offer  their  ivares  to  the  company  and  finally  approach  the 
President,  Jostling  each  other.) 

Martius.  {Eagerly)  President  Driver,  may  I  set  up  a 
little  notion-stand  in  Nancy  Foster  Hall  ?  Til  give  credit  until 
the  fifteenth  of  the  month, 

Packingham.  Won't  you  give  me  the  tamale  contract 
for  the  Commons  ? 

KarTOFFELS.^lat.  Why  don't  you  try  the  experiment  of 
having  The  University  Record  and  the  Annual  Register 
edited  ?     Pd  like  the  job. 

Redfern-Redfern.  Excelentissimo  Presidente  de  la  Uni- 
versidad,  —  servidor  de  usted.  Tengo  el  honor  de  presentarle 
una  recommendacion  de  mi  muy  amiga,  la  Infanta  Eulalia. 
Deseo,  seiior,  enseiiar  la  danza  — ,  a  los  pies  de  usted,  seiior. 

Runs.  [Translating)  This  don  wants  to  teach  dancing 
and  deportment  to  the  Faculty  class  at  the  Quadrangle  Club. 

Driv.  Say  to  the  gentlemen  [that  this  direct  method  is 
very  offensive.  They  will  recall  the  fact  that  I  never  used  to 
ask  them  for  anything;  I  merely  mentioned — Let  them  file  their 
applications, 

EXEUNT   THE   FOUR    MENDICANTS   AND   CHORUS. 
ENTER   THREE    STRANGERS. 

Runs.  President  Driver,  here  are  President  Sadams, 
President  Drooper  and  Professor  Pat  N.  Gill, 


{The  three  advance  humbly  a7id  si7ig.) 


55 


MR.  C.  M.  HOAC.LAND 
as  Signoriiia  (liiatrice 


OUTINCx,  edited  by 
CASPAR   WHITNEY 


is  the  onl\-  magazine  devoted 


^  to  amateur  sport  and  travel.     The 

National  Authority  on  Inter- 
collegiate Athletics.  Pre-eminentlv 
the  publication  for  the  College  Man  — 
both    the   undergraduate   and    the   Alumnus 


Caspak  Whitney,        ;:       ::       ::       ::       ::     President  and  Editor 
Robert  Bacon,     :;       ::       ::       ::       ::       ::       ::        Vice-President 

I'll  II  111  i:   TI\i,iri.  Secretary  and  Treasurer 


A  1)V  I  SOR  V    P.  OA  R  i) 

C  C.  Ci  VLKR  S.  Rkai)in(;  P>i;htkon  S.  K.  Houston  D.  M.  Goodrich 

Charles  Hod(;man         Walthr  Camp         'I".  I).  M.  Cardkza 


OUTING  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

239   Fifth  Ave.. New  York 


56 


THE    A  C  A  D  E  .^f  I  C    ALCHEMIST 


Trio:     "Song    of    the    Penitent     Pilgrims 

(Air  :     "The  Bowery."     Words  by  J.  W.  L.) 

I  am  the  chief  of  Wisconsin  U. 

I  know  much  more  than  I  formerly  knew. 

Once  I  was  guilty  of  blow  and  brag, 

Thought  that  I  held  the  whole  West  in  a  bag. 

So  in  my  careless  and  confident  way, 

I  said  to  my  friend  Mr.  Pat  O'Dea, 

•'Why  don't  you  challenge  Chicago  to  play?  "  , 

I'll  never  do  that  any  more  ! 

CHORUS. 

Oh  Chicago,  Chicago,  we  thought  Chicago  an  easy  prey, 
Chicago,  Chicago  —  We'll  never  think  that  any  more. 

I  was  the  froggy  who  got  in  a  box. 
By  thinking  that  he  was  as  big  as  an  ox. 
I  entered  a  trio  to  manage  football. 
Then  shifted  my  diet  to  wormwood  and  gall. 
First  Indiana  and  then  Notre  Dame, 
And  then  many  others  I've  not  time  to  name, 
Showed  me  how  little  I  knew  of  the  game; 
And  I'll  never  swell  up  any  more  ! 
CHORU.S. 

Pat  N.  Gill  I,  from  the  U.  of  M., 
Rather  ashamed  to  be  seen  with  them. 
But  what  could  I  do  when  we  couldn't  win, 
But  get  up  a  council  to  gobble  the  tin  ? 
Now  I'm  as  sorry  as  I  can  be  ; 
Please,  Dr.  Driver,  be  good  to  me  ; 
Let  us  come  back  to  the  U.  of  C, 
And  we'll  never  get  mad  any  more  ! 

CHORUS. 

Ladies  and  gentlemen,  these  are  our  woes, 

Never  been  equaled,  as  we  suppose. 

This  is  the  fable  that  we  have  told, 

And  here  is  the  moral  in  letters  of  gold  : 

A  lion  asleep  is  a  peaceful  sight  ; 

Even  a  lady  would  not  take  fright ; 

But  do  not  wake  him,  because  he  may  bite  ! 

We'll  never  do  that  any  more  ! 

CHORUS. 


57 


DIRECTORY 


i)  F     T   H   ]-:     L  E  A   D  I   X   G 


South  Side  Laundries 


MR.C.  M.HOAGLAND 
as  Premiere  Danseuse 
(Portrait  by  Dana  HulU 


MADISON  AVE.  LAUNDRY 


6018  to  6024  Madison  Ave. 

Telephone  Drexel  541 1 


^      CLEAVER'S  LAUNDRY 


103   E.  38th  Street 

Telephone  Drexel  6631 


IDEAL  LAUNDRY 

687   E.  43d  Street 

Telephone  Drexel  6632 


BREWSTER  LAUNDRY 

(Engiewood)  637  W.  63d  Street 

Telephone  Wentworth  5S1 


SW^ISS  LAUNDRY 


\2   E,  31st  Street 

Telephone  South  643 


A  Postal  or  telephone  call  to  any  of  the  alnwe  laun- 
dries ivill  receive  prompt  atte/itiofi  and  insure  you 
the  best  of  work  at  the  most  reasonable  prices. 
SPECIAL  RATES  on  Bed  and  Table  Linen. 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


Sadams.  President  Driver,  how  about  affiliation  for  Wiscon- 
sin ?  In  comparison  with  our  present  destitution  we  were  flush 
after  last  year's  game. 

Drooper.  President  Driver,  won't  you  affiliate  Illinois? 
Our  Champaign  is  extra  dry,  but  not  yet  Munnn. 

GiivL.  How  about  annexing  Michigan?  It  takes  more 
than  one  Angell  to  make  a  Heaven. 

Driv.  I  note  the  absence  of  your  honored  President.  I 
know  that  he  thinks  athletic  squabbles  are  infra  dig.  But, 
gentlemen,  are  these  questions  put  to  me  in  a  friendly  and  off- 
hand manner,  or  are  they  addressed  to  me  in  my — shall  I  say  ? — 
my  official  capacity  as  President  of  The  University  of  Chicago  ? 

The  Three.     (/«  chorus)    In  your  official  capacity. 

{^President  rises.  Secretary  deliberately  taJics  the  Presidenf  s  gown 
out  of  a  bag  a7id  helps  liim  iiito  it.) 

Driv.  I  am  now  ready  to  speak  in  my  official  capacity. 
I  would  say  that  the  University  has  many  more  affiliated  schools 
than  she  knows  how  to  manage.  Harvard  has  been  on  our 
waiting  list  for  the  past  six  years  and  must  receive  our  first 
attention.  Now  that  the  opportunity  offers  for  me  to  speak 
officially,  I  would  say,  in  behalf  of  our  University,  that  we  can- 
not afford  to  divide  with  you  our  revenues  or  to  offer  you  any 
guarantee.     Mr.  Runsitall,  show  the  gentlemen  out. 

(  T/ie  Pilgrims  protest  and  refuse  to  go.     Runsitall  blozvs  a  whistle.) 

ENTER   TWO   POIvICEMEN. 

Duet  :     Policemen's    Song. 

Driv.  Friends,  since  the  University  has  come  into  circum- 
stances so  much  more  suited  to  our  comfort,  we  have — shall  I 
say? — regenerated  the  political  life  of  the  city.  We  have  recon- 
sidered the  action  to  make  the  mayoralty  a  hereditary  office  ; 
we  have  dug  a  drainage  canal  through  the  City  Council;  by 
establishing  oil  as  the  only  legal  fuel,  we  have  done  away  with 
the  smoke  nuisance ;  and  finally  we  have  cleared  all  streets. 
May  I  have  the  pleasure  of  introducing  our  latest  acquisition, 
Dean  Sophia  Soaper  and  the  street  Brigade ! 

59 


A 


S  H  H  VI  LLH,  North  Carolina 


AMERICA'S  GREATEST  A 11- the -Year -Round  RESORT 


Rrsi.lcll.  r  .if   Will.  II.  \.lll.lrrlMll.  Aslu  vill.-,  N,  T..     ill  th,     I 


SOUTHERN    RAILWAY 

W.  A.  Turk,  C.  P.  A.,W,ishini,'ton,  D.C.  WM.  H.  TAYLOE,  A.  G.  P.  A  ,  L.iiiisx  iUc,  K y. 

I.e.  Beam.Jr.,  N'.  VV.P.  A.,a25  Dearliorn  St.,  Cliicasr.i 


T.stainished  tS6r,. 


Stamsen  &  Blome, 


HIGH  GRADE 


CEMENT  WALKS 

Every  Branch  of  Concrete  Construction, 
Bank  Floor,  Unity  Bldg. 


CHICAGO. 


HAIR 


SARA 
REIDY 


Hair  Diessins; 
I  IlK  I.ATK.sr  Shampooing' 

racial  Massage 
1      r/1  i-      r->       J.      J  Scalp  Treatment 

A     LOS     PompiuUmr        Hair  Goods  of  every 

ilescription.     All  the 

.,  latest  Parisian  styles. 

28   Washington    St.        Tortoise  shell  combs 
l'>et.  State  St.  X:  Wahn<;h  .'\ve.  and  novelties. 


THi:  I'.Ai.i.Kr 


THE    AC.lDEJflC    ALCHEMIST 


ENTER   SIXTEEN   STREET  SWEEPERS. 

{They  march  to  the  music  of  "  The  Man  Behind  the  Gun.'") 

EXEUNT  OMNES. 
ENTER   ROXY   ANN    AND   MAUD. 

Rox.  Oh,  Maud,  I'm  so  frightened.  I'm  sure  I  can  never 
sing  among  strangers. 

Maud.  Nonsense.  Of  course  you  can.  We  can't  starve. 
Have  a  try  at  it  while  we're  alone. 

{Roxy  advances  and  sings.) 

Solo:     "Flowers,    Flowers,    Dripping 
With  Dew."     Roxy  AxNn. 

ENTER   WINGOLD. 

W^ix.  Roxy,  at  last !  I  have  sought  you  everywhere.  Share 
my  vi^ealth  and  fame. 

Rox.  ]Mr.  Wingold,  it  cannot  be.  I  am  a  poor  flower  girl, 
but  I  will  not  be  an  object  of  charity. 

{  They  advance  and  sing.) 

Duet  :     Proposal  and  R  e  j  e  c  t  i  o  n. 
Roxv  Ann  and  Wingold. 

(Air:     "Long  Years  Ago;"     Patience.      Words  by  M.  C.) 

W'iN.  Long  years  ago,  when  I  was  young, 

I  told  a  tale  of  love  to  you; 
Out  on  the  beach  my  passion  sung, 

As  summer  lovers  always  do. 
Again  I  come  in  manhood's  prime, 

To  pray  once  more  you  will  be  mine. 
I  now  can  offer  with  myself 

Position  and  a  heap  of  wealth. 
I  care  not,  love,  what  may  betide, 

If  you  will  be  my  bride. 

Rox.  [Aside)     Oh,  love  and  pity  are  akin, 
I  only  can  his  pity  win. 
He  only  pities  me. 

Win.  Ah,  do  be  kind, — don't  say  me  nay — 

Be  lenient,  pray,  and  only  say, 
That  you  will  be  my  bride  ! 

6i 


Weil 


Ladies'  Tailor  and  Furrier 

238,   239,   240   Michigan   Boulevard,   Chicago 


Established  1S70    ::  ::   Telephone  Main  y,'74 


■'     VAUGH  ANS'  Seeds  are  the  best 


Wholesale  and  Retail  Store 


84  Randolph  Street 


Sl'.KIGLIA    I\rr;Tii(i[) 

Mr.  Alfred  Williams 

TEACHER   OF  THE  VOICE 
624  Fine  Arts  Building,  Chicago 


[       i 


MR.  CHARLES  HOAGLAND 
the  Premiere  Danseuse 


McKeown  Brothers 

CARPENTERS 
<^    BUILDERS 


Phone  Drexel  7041 


494-496  East  Forty-Seventh  St. 


Miss  M.  Rice 

Ladies''  Goivtis 

Til-Til  Marshall  Field  liuilding 

Children's  &"  Misses' 

Dre.s.ses  and  Coats  Cmc 


Distributors  of 

PURE  COUNTRY  MILK 

Manufacturers  of 
CREAMERY    BUTTER 


BOWMAN  DAIRY 
COMPANY 


John  Conrad  &  Co. 

Kenwood  Pharmacy 
23   E.  47th  .St.,  Cor.  l,ake  Ave. 


Vou  will  enjoy  our  Ice  Cream  Soda  served 
in  the  .Soda  Room 


62 


O.  T.  WALL 


E.  G.  LANGFORl) 


O.  T.  WALL  &  CO. 

Staple   and    Fancy    Groceries 

Choice  Cuts  of  Meats 
Fish,  Poultry,  Oysters  and  Came  in  season 

433-44'  li-  Sixty-Third  St. 
Tel.  Oakland  No.  2 


THE    ACADEMIC    A  L  C  H  E  Jf  I S  T 


Rox.  I  realize  the  rarity, 

Of  this  your  Christian  charity — 
Yet  this  can  never  be! 

CHORUS. 

Both.  Ah,  love  is  proud,  as  love  can  be — 

Can't  be  bought  with  a  golden  fee, 
Cupid's  blind  and  will  not  see 
Outstretched  hand  of  Charity  ! 

ENTER  DRIVER,  WILEY  AND  CHORUS. 

WiL.  {Stealthily^  at  one  side)  The  hour  of  my  revenge 
approaches. 

ENTER   MESSENGER. 

{He  hands  a  large  official  envelope  to  President  Driver^  who  gives 
it  to  Runsitall  to  read.) 

Runs.     {Reading) 

To  Dr.  William  Brainy  Driver, 

President  of  The   University  of  Chicago. 
Great  and  Good  Friend  : 

I,  William  McKingly  I.,  President  of  the  United  States  of 
America  (possibly  including  the  Philippines  and  Porto  Rico) 
send  greeting  and  announce  that,  accompanied  by  a  military 
and  naval  escort,  I  am  now  approaching  your  world-famous  in- 
stitution.     I  earnestly  solicit  an  audience  at  noon  tomorrow. 

(Signed)  William  McKingly  I. 

Jack  Straw,  Secretary  of  State. 

Driv.  {wildly  excited)  Where  is  the  Head  IMarshal  ?  Send 
him  to  me  immediately.  Send  me  the  leader  of  the  Band,  and 
have  the  Faculties  and  the  Officers  of  the  Student  Council  and 
the  Student  Board  of  Control  notified  to  appear  in  cap  and  gown. 
The  procession  will  start  from  Cobb  Hall  at  eleven  o'clock,  led 
by  the  Head  Marshal,  the  Assistant  Marshals  and  the  Band. 
As  a  special  favor,  the  students  will  be  allowed  to  have  a  small 
bonfire  on  the  campus,  carefully  watched  by  the  Fire  Depart- 
ment, the  Faculty  and  the  Police,  and  the  band  may  play  "  Hot 
Time  !  " 

63 


Hollister 
Brothers 
Printers 


CuPS^^  Cu?5~^   ^u?^^  vWu-^ 


Are     now     located     at 

Madison  <S:  Market  Sts 

Cxround  Floor,  with  largely 
increased  facilities.  Plant 
cq  ui pped  w  i  t  h  Individ  u  a  1 
electric  motors  and  every 
modern  appliance  for  pro- 
ducing the  highest  grade  of 
printing.  We  invite  inspection 

Six    Tflcphdiics    Main    io6r) 


^^"^^^^-^ 


111  1.  (,()1.K   1:ALI,KT 


^I'cii  trail  1)>  Dana  Hull.) 


i^ 

i^ 


m 


Send  /or  Samples 

and    Prices   of    the    l-ine   \\'ork   done   by   the 

Illinois  Engra\ing  Co. 

Designers    and    Makers   of 

■■   V  r  i  n  t  i  n  <>"    Plates  : 


-^46-:^  ^6   Dearborn  Street,  Chicago 


hi>    Bo.ik    «ere  ni.icle  by  the    Illin..i-    l-iiirraving   C 


THE    ACADEMIC    A  L  C  fl  E  .\f  I S  T 
ENTER  WILEY  (exultantly). 

Song    of    T  r  i  u  m  p  h.     Wilhv. 
;Air  :     "  Pom  Tiddly  Om  Pom/'     Words  by  C.  R.  B.j 

Hear  the  silver  dollars  fall, 

Chinkety  chink  chink,  chinkety  chink. 
There's  riches  now  for  one  and  all, 

Chinkety  chink  chink  chink. 
No  longer  shall  the  golden  bug, 

Chinkety  chink  chink,  chinkety  chink. 
The  wealth  of  all  the  nation  hug, 

Chinkety  chink  chink  chink. 
Sixteen  to  one  shall  be  our  cry, 

Chinkety  chink  chink,  chinkety  chink. 
A  dollar  sixteen  times  shall  buy, 

Chinkety  chink  chink  chink. 
And  fools  who  have  in  gold  put  trust, 

Chinkety  chink  chink,  chinkety  chink, 
Shall  straightway  be  upon  the  bust, 

Chinkety  chink  chink  chink. 

CHORUS. 

Ob  ! how  I 

Will  make  the  goldbugs  fly  ! 

'Twill  be  milleniuni 

When  we've  sixteen  to  one  ! 

Ev'rythiug 

Will  have  a  silver  ring  ! 

Chinkety  chink  chink,  chinkety  chink  chink. 

Chinkety  chink  chink  chink  I 

Now  the  farmer's  cloud  of  care 
A  silver  lining  bright  shall  wear. 
The  silver  thread  among  the  gold 
Will  have  a  pathos  yet  untold. 
The  golden  sun  shall  pass  away. 
The  silver  moon  will  mark  the  day. 
The  bunco  man  will  change  his  trick, 
And  sell  the  jay  a  silver  brick. 

CHORUS. 

Girls  with  locks  of  "burnished  gold  " 
Will  lose  no  time  in  growing  old. 
The  "silvered"  youth  the  pace  will  set, 
And  silver  tip  his  cigarette. 

6.S 


FOR 

Lad 

ies 

afid  Gentlemen 

LUNCH   FRO  M    i  i   TO 

'> 
0 

wk'ri 

:    SERVING     THE     MUST 

DELICIOUS    AND    SATISFYING 

KKAL 

STRAWBERRY     SHORI'- 

CAKE 

THAT  YOU  EVER  TASTED 
I  N    T  H  E 

New 

Yo7'h  Life  Biiildin 

g 

F.  N    r  RANGE     AT 

I  4  3 

M 

ONROE       STREE 

T 

MR.  A.T.STEWART 
as  Rebecca  Withering 


THE    ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


The  golden  rule  no  more  shall  hold, 
For  silver  shall  replace  the  gold. 
And  "golden  opportunities" 
Will  he  as  thick  and  cheap  as  flies. 


{^Students  drag  in  a  mysterious  machine.  Wiley  approaches  and  sets 
it  in  motio7i.     Silver  bricks  drop  out  rapidly.) 

WiL.  Down  with  gold  !  Here  is  silver  iti  the  heaven-born 
ratio.  Long  live  sixteen-to-one  !  Vistas  of  endless  prosperity 
open  before  us  ! 

Driv.  At  last  I  can  follow  my  own  convictions.  Hurrah 
for  an  honest  dollar  !     I  didn't  ask  for  it,  but  it  came. 

{Wingold  picks  up  a  silver  brick  and  examines  it  closely.     All  crowd 
around  Wiley,  and  joiyi  in  final  chorus. ) 

F"  I  N  A  L  Chorus. 
(Air:  Erminie.    Words  by  C.  R.  B.) 

His  the  glory  and  fame  shall  be, 

For  this  mighty,  mighty  deed  he's  done. 

Now  silver's  free  for  you  and  me, 
And  dollars  are  sixteen  to  one. 

Hail  him!  honor  him  !    Yell,  boys,  yell  ! 

See  the  way  he  turned  the  rock  to  mon  ! 
E'en  Prexy  can't  do  half  so  well 

At  coining  dollars  from  a  stone. 


67 


MONAHAN'S 
ANTISEPTIC 


cuts  down  vour  expense  and  enhances 
the   renting   value  of    your  buildings. 

IT    IS    ODORLESS 

and  embodies  all  the  essential  elements 
that  the  latest  scientific  research  can 
suggest  to  make  a  true  disinfectant. 
It  at  once  destroys  bacteria,  checks 
decomposition  and  cleanses.  It  is 
cleanly  to  use,  pure,  and  the  ideal  dis- 
infectant for  the  home. 


Monahan  Antiseptic  Company 

McVicker's    Theatre  Building,   Chicago 


MR.  A.  W.  PIKRC. 
as  Mis.  Headwav —"/'/"* 

(Portrait  by  Dai 


THE   .I(\i/>/-:mI('     \  i.  c  ii  e  m  i  s  j 


ACT    III. 

Scene:  J'he  University  Campus.  Buildings  gayly  decorated.  At  the 
rear,  beneath  a  canopy,  iivo  chairs  of  State. 

ENTER  RUNSiTALL/<7//o?£'<'a'  by  FOOTBALL  TEAM  bcaritig  in  a  gilded  litter  presi- 
dent DRIVER.  He  is  preceded  by  flower  girls,  and  folloived  by 
WILEY,  wiNGOLD,  professors  and  students. 

Chorus  :     "  H  p:  is  our  P  r  k s i  d  e  n  t. " 

{^During  the  sing ino  the  procession  makes  a  tour  ot  the  stage  and  takes 
up  a  position  at  right  rear.) 

ENTER  BAND  followed  by  elephant  carrying  president  mckingly.  In  his 
train  Philippine  captives,  secretary  straw,  admiral  diddit,  gen- 
eral STYLES,  soldiers  and  SAILORS. 

Music  :      "Hail    to    the    C  h  fE  f. " 

{^During  the  m2isic  the  procession   wakes  a  tonr  of  the  stage  and  takes 
up  a  position  at  left  rear.) 

INIcKixGLY.  {Prodicctng  a  large  roll  of  MS.)  President 
Driver,  IMembers  of  the  Faculty,  Students:  Aly  address,  as  it 
will  appear  in  the  daily  press  of  our  great  and  glorious  country, 
will  be  found  here  [holds  up  MS)  in  full.  Briefly,  it  gives 
me  profound  pleasure  to  be  with  you,  to  introduce  to  you  Ad- 
miral (reorge  Diddit,  the  Right  Hand  of  the  nation,  and  Gen- 
eral Nelson  A.  Styles,  the  Left  Hand  of  the  nation.  (Let  not  thy 
left  hand  know  what  thy  right  hand  doeth.)  I  should  say,  these 
men,  supported  by  our  glorious  army  and  navy,  the  bulwark  of 
our  nation,  have  gained  for  us  that  greatest  of  American  wars — 
the  Cuban-Philippine  war — the  war  of  principle  fought  for  the 
sake  of  humanity  and  fifteen  per  cent.  Let  me  present  to  you 
these  great  men,  who  have  chased  the  Spaniards  from  the  sea 
and  forced  the  F'ilipino  to  take  to  the  woods. 

69 


1 


Chicago  Orchestra 


THEODORE   THOMAS,  Conductor 


Tenth  Season 

1900-1901 


Auditorium 


THE  CORYPHEES 


First  Concerts 
October  19  th  and  20th 


Sale   of   Season   Tickets   will    open   June  (First 
at  Lyon  &  Healy's 


Prices  Sio  to  S^o 


J 


According  to  Location 


Money  1 

Time  V  Saved 

Annoyance    I  ^y  Puvcliasing  season  Tickets 


THE    ACADEJfIC    A  L  C H E  3f  I S  T 

Driv.  Dr.  McKinoly,  Right  and  Left  Hands  of  the  nation, 
bulwark  in  general,  welcome  to  The  University!  In  our  turn  we 
would  present  our  heroes.  Let  me  introduce  our  victorious  foot- 
ball eleven,  who  made  Cornell  yell,  did  Brown  to  a  turn  and 
conquered  the  eighth  deadly  sin — Wisconsin. 

{The  two  Presidents  descend,  McKingly  assisted  by  his  followers, 
Driver  upon  a  ladder  of  the  Faculty  arranged  in  order  of  academic 
rank.      Coming  forivard  they  sing:) 

DuET:     Thk    Expansion    Presidents. 

McKingly  and  Driver. 
(Air:     "Downy  Jailbirds  of  a  Feather;"     Erminie.) 

Both.     The  expausion  presidential  bosses  we 

Of  universe  and  university. 
McK.      I  assimilate  the  heathen  in  bis  isle, 

And  hypnotize  the  voter  with  my  smile. 
Driv.     Assimilate  I  spell  affiliate, 

And  John  D.  always  used  to  pay  the  freight. 
McK.      I  teach  the  Yankee  nation  to  expand. 

And  he  makesculture  hum  throughout  the  land 


We're  a  modest  pair  of  prexies: 

Who  shall  tell  the  world  our  worth? 
Let  the  learned  Congregation, 
Chanting  to  the  Convocation, 
Spread  the  tidings  through  the  nation: 
All  we  ask  for  is — the  earth. 

McK.      I've  colonies  in  every  continent; 

Driv.         A  correspondence  course  in  every  state. 

McK.      The  Porto  Ricans  pay  fifteen  per  cent; 

The  others  won't  get  off  at  such  a  rate. 
Driv.     The  M.  P.  A.,  the  Lewis  Institute, 

A  winter  college  down  in  Florida. 
McK.      And  if  the  treasury  can  stand  the  loot, 

A  grand  canal  in  Nicaragu-a. 

CHORUS. 


Driv.     No  millionaire  can  say  I  beg  of  him. 
McK.  I  cribbed  the  Philippines  in  self-defense. 

Driv.     I  only  take  him  out  to  see  our  "gym." 

Its  plainness  moveshim  more  than  eloquence. 


71 


ff 


mCAGO. 


4301  and  4303  Drexel  Boulevard 

433  East  Fifty-fifth  Street 

'Phone  Drexel  5382 


If  you  want  a 
stylish  suit 


call  on  Mr.  Strasberger 
in  his  beautiful  parlors 
and  inspect  his  stN'les 
and   imported   fabrics. 


PRICES   ARE 
TEMPTING 


MR.  H.  \V.  JOHNSON 
(  Portrait  by  Dana  Hull) 


THE     ACADEMIC    ALCHEMIST 


McK.     'Twas  Destiny  and  Dewey  played  the  game, 

While  I  looked  on  bewildered  and  distressed. 

Driv.    And  when  I  say  "our  library's  a  shame," 
Chicago  patriotism  does  the  rest. 

CHORUS. 


{They  retire  to  the  thrones  at  rear.) 

McK.  I  come,  great  and  good  friend,  to  arrange,  if  may  be, 
a  treaty  with  yon  which  shall  stop  this  ontpnt  of  gold.  It  has 
demoralized  the  credit  of  the  conntry  and  involved  ns  in  inter- 
national complications. 

Driv.     I  see  yon   have  not  heard  of  onr  latest  sensation — 
the  invention  of  Head  Profes.sor  Wiley. 
McK.     No.    What  is  that? 

Driv.  He  is  now  prodncing  silver  bricks  in  the  immntable 
ratio  without  anybody's  consent. 

McK.  Ye  gods!  On  a  silver  basis  at  last!  It's  all  up  with 
me.    Methinks  I  see  the  little  Canton  home.      {Collapses.) 

{Orchestra plays  a  feic  bars  of  '-Pd  Leave  my  Happy  Home  for 
You.''''      Wiley  struts  triumphantly }) 

Win.  {Stepping  foricard  confide >itly)  Courage,  august 
sovereign  !  I  have  a  disclosure  to  make.  This  is  no  silver 
{prodiici7ig  a  brick  and  a  bottle  of  acid.)  Observe  the  reaction. 
It's  nothing  but  the  familiar  tin-plate  which  has  long  enjoved 
your  gracious  protection. 

Driv.  Seize  that  villain  Wiley.  {Aside:  I'm  always 
having  trouble  with  Head  Professors.)  Let  him  be  bound  for 
life  to  Miss  Withering,  make  him  perpetual  Vice-President  of 
the  Congregation,  and  advertise  him  for  a  course  of  Extension 
lectures  at  Kalamazoo. 

McK.  {To  Wingold)  What  reward  do  yon  ask  for  your  rare 
insight  into  the  tinncss  of  these  bricks  ?  Will  you  accept  the 
post  of  Ambassador  to  the  Court  of  St.  James  ?  {Wingold  boivs 
acceptance^  {  To  Straw)  Secretary  Straw,  kindly  give  the 
company  an  idea  of  our  diplomatic  methods. 

73 


The  Present  Settlement  Residence 


u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

n 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

v 

tr 

u 

u 

u 

u 

u 

C.  G.  LINES 

9lrttsitic 
jframiug 

214  Fifty-Seventh  St.,  Chicago 

Passe      Partouts     a     Specialty 


XJ        U 
U 


THE     ACADEMIC    A  /.  C  If  E  M  I  S  T 


The    New    Diplomacy.     Jack    Straw. 

(Air  :     "  Pirate  King;  "     Pirates  of  Penzance.) 

Behold  a  speciuieu  in  me 

Of  the  new  shirt-sleeve  diplomacy. 

I  have  no  use  for  soft  French  speech, 

But  tune  my  voice  to  the  eagle's  screech. 

It's  not  my  fashion  to  bow  and  smirk 

To  British  lord  or  heathen  Turk; 

But  Japs  kowtow  and  the  Turks  salaani 

When  I  raise  the  war-whoop  of  Uncle  Sam. 

CHORUS : 
For  I'm  a  diplomat, 
And  I'm  talking,  talking 
Through  my  hat  — 

A  modern  diplomat. 
For  I'm  a  diplomat. 
And  I'm  talking,  talking 
Through  my  hat  — 
A  modern  diplomat. 

A  patent  jimmy  to  open  doors, 
Soft-soldered  buncombe  for  the  Boers, 
A  cork-screw  to  twist  the  Lion's  tail. 
If  the  Irish  vote  is  like  to  fail. 
A  Philippine  commission  or  two. 
And  Otis  to  put  the  right  news  through  — 
I  think  you'll  all  agree  that  that 
Is  a  fine  outfit  for  a  diplomat. 
CHORUS. 

The  dudes  and  cowards  may  be  polite  ; 
The  diplomats'  lay  is  to  bluff  or  fight. 
So  I  stretch  the  doctrine  of  Monroe 
From  Luzon's  rill  to  Alaska's  snow  ; 
And  if  effete  monarchies  cut  up  rough, 
There's  Dewey  and  Sampson  to  back  my  bluff. 
I  ask  you,  gentlemen,  is  not  that 
The  way  of  the  modern  diplomat  ? 

CHORUS. 

MCK.    Speaking  of  diplomacy,  on  what  conditions  will  yon 
ciViiit  down  vonr  Klondike? 

DRIV.    'l  divined  the  purpose  of  your  visit.     Here  are  our 

terras: 


75 


D 


uuDUUuuutruuuuuunuuuuuurr 


THE  MARVELOUS  AUTOMOBILE 


^^^5  ■    .  ELGIN-'' "f 


INABAN 


CEYLON  TEA 


POSITIVELY    GUARANTEED 

Cbe  Best  Cca  m  the  iUorld 

AND    AT    A    POPULAR     PRICE. 

IT  is  srown  in  the  mountain  tUstrict  of  Ceylon 
and  SPECIALLY  prepared  to  suit  the 
Anicrii-an  trade.  It  steeps  a  beautiful, 
britrht-c-olorcd  liquor  and  has  trreat  fragrance 
It  is  not  maltv  or  bitter  like  other  Ceylon  and 
India  Teas.  It  is  packed  on  the  garden  where 
grown,  in  one-pound,  half-pound  and  quarier- 
l)ound  soldered  air-tight  lead  packages,  thereby 
retaining  all  its  wonderful  fragrance.  It  ii- 
sold  only  in  these  lead  packages  — ^/c('^/w'«  hulk. 
If  vou  want  the  very  best  tea.  ask  your  grocer 
for  NAB*-N.  Send  us  a  postal  card  and  we  will 
mail  yoii  a  trial  iiacUage. 

Franklin  MacVeagh  &  Co.,cHicAGa 


76 


jiii:    .1  c.\  n  1-:  \i  i  c   .\  i.  c ii e  m  i s  i 


1.  An  annual  congressional  appropriation  to  the  Ihiiversity 
of  twenty-five  millions. 

2.  The  exclusive  right  of  members  of  the  University  to  all 
diplomatic  posts. 

On  these  conditions  the  production  of  gold  shall  be  stopped 
at  once. 

McK.  {After  hasty  cojisultation  zvit/i  Secretary  Straw) 
We  accept  your  terms,  with  the  proviso  that  the  gold  brick 
machine  be  destroyed  and  that  the  Academic  Alchemist 
be  hypnotized  by  the  Head  Professor  of  Mental  and  Psychical 
Research,  who  shall  bid  him  forget  the  combination, 

Driv.        It  shall  be  as  you  say. 

CiiORis:     "He    Is    Our    Preside  n  t  .  " 

Roxv  ANN  and  maud  emerge  from  the  crowd. 

Win.  {Seeing  Roxy)  Surely  you  will  now  consent  to 
accept  the  hand  of  the  Ambassador  to  the  Court  of  St.  James? 

Roxv.      Oh  I      I  cannot.      IMy  pride  — 

Maud.  Now,  Roxy,  don't  be  silly.  You  take  him.  Don't 
you  see  that  this  treaty  will  make  you  rich  again? 

Roxv.  Why  of  course  !  How  stupid  of  me  not  to  think 
■of  it !  Maud,  how  cle\-er  you  are.  (  Goes  to  ll'tngold^  wJio  em- 
braces Jier. ) 

Maud.  Oh  I  I'm  not  so  slow.  You're  not  the  only  one 
to  make  an  academic  match.     [Pairs  off  ivit/i  Burleigh.) 

Runs.  (  Stepping  forzvard  zcith  Katie  Clattering  )  You 
see  how  it  is,  President  Driver.  I  didn't  ask  her,  but  she 
embraced  her  opportunity. 

]\IcK.     Rather  an  epidemic,  isn't  it  ? 

Driv.     Yes.      It's  always  like  this  in  the  Spring  Quarter. 

{Lovers  couiing  forzcard  sing  :) 


Ti 


Illinois  State  University 

NIGHT     COURSES    IN    CHICAGO 


The  editorial  of  The  Inter  Ocean,  September  li,  1899,  calls  our  atten- 
tion to  the  fact  that  97  per  cent,  of  all  the  children  of  school  age  in  the 
United  States  never  enter  the  High  School ;  that  only  three-tenths  of  one 
per  cent,  of  the  three  per  cent,  who  do  enter  High  School  are  graduated; 
and  that  the  great  majority  of  children  never  pass  beyond  the  sixth  grade. 
Is  it  not,  therefore,  a  great  sacrifice  of  good  citizenship  that  all  the  oppor- 
tunities for  higher  and  highest  education,  High  School  and  University,  are 
to  be  had  only  in  the  day  time  ? 

Should  not  the  opportunities  for  University,  as  well  as  High  School 
education,  come  out  of  the  taxes  which  we,  as  citizens,  pay  to  the  State  of 
Illinois  ?  Should  not  these  opportunities  for  education  in  the  sciences  of 
commercial  value  be  available  in  the  evening.' 

Evening  classes  under  the  auspices  of  the  State  University  can  raise 
the  standard  of  intelligence  of  the  greatest  number  of  citizens,  because  the 
tuition  of  private  evening  schools  must  necessarily  be  too  high  for  the  many. 
Let  us  see  to  it  that  our  own  state  taxes  furnish  these  University  opportu- 
nities, and  furnish  them  at  a  price  within  the  reach  of  all.  This  is  the 
object  of  the  Illinois  Educational  League. 


EVERY   CITIZEN 

man  and  woman,  should  register  next  October  and  vote  next   November 
for  the  Illinois  State  University  Trustees. 

The  State  of  Illinois  should  furnish  opportunities  for  education  out  of 
the  taxes  which  citizens  pay  in  the  following  manner: 

(</)  By  extension  courses  throughout  the  state  in  sanitary  and  agri- 
cultural sciences. 

{b)  By  establishing  laboratories  open  in  the  evening  in  the  city  of 
Chicago  in  the  sciences  which  have  commercial  value — Physics,  Chemistry, 
Bacteriology,  Biology,  and  Microscopy,  together  with  such  other  studies  as 
are  necessary  to  the  attainment  of  the  degree  Bachelor  of  Science. 

Do  you  think  well  enough  of  this  proposition  to  send  twenty-five  cents 
to  the  Illinois  Educational  Le.\gue  whose  duty  is  to  work  for  the 
voting  in  November  of  every  citizen  for  the  above  purposes  and  assist  in 
the  legislation  for  the  necessary  appropriation  ? 

Dr.  Frances  Dickinson,  President 
Sylvia  Doton,  Treasurer 
HEADQi'ARTERS  Emma  Runyan  Pratt,  Secretary 

llarvey  Building,  169  S.  Clark  St. 

CHICAGO 


7S 


THE    .IC.IDEMIC    A  L  C  H  E  Jf  I  S  / 


Lovers'     O  c  t  p:  r  t  e  . 
(Air  :    "  Love  Will  Find  the  Wa>-."    Words  by  C.  R.  B.  ) 

Far  back  in  the  past  Love  worked  alone, 

And  now  and  then  he  failed; 

Hearts  he  wanted  united  were  sometimes  not  plighted, 

Although  their  owners  wailed. 

But  he  has  a  partner  now  who  won't  allow 

One  lover  in  vain  to  pray. 

The  game  is  done  e'er  its  begun, 

For  Science  finds  the  way. 

CHORUS  : 
If  the  schemes  of  Cupid  are  not  enough, 

Then  Science  finds  the  way. 
The  problems  may  be  very  tough, 

But  Science  finds  the  way. 
He  levels  ranks  and  incomes  too, 

He  cements  hearts  with  patent  glue. 
He  does  whatever  he  tries  to  do — 

Science  finds  the  way. 

He  can  repeat  from  a  phonograph 

What  a  lover  dare  not  speak  ; 
The  most  approved  fashion  of  raising  a  passion, 

He'll  teach  you  in  a  week. 
Cupid,  Science  I'v:  Co.  is  the  firm  we  know, 

Whose  sign  is  hung  out  today  ; 
Just  ask  their  aid,  for  man  or  maid. 

And  they  will  find  the  way. 


{^Presidents  come  for  zcard  and  the  lovers  part  to  give  them  a  place 
in  the  first  row.) 

Final    Chorus. 
(Air:    '"Neath  the  Elms.''     Words  by  F.  J.  M. ) 

Now  all  care  has  fled  away, 

And  our  hearts  are  light  and  gay. 

Let  the  joyous  echoes  ring, 

As  we  blithely  dance  and  sing. 

Gloomy  fate  could  not  prevail, 

Nor  our  happy  fortune  fail ; 

We're  the  favored  sons  of  her  who  will  be 

Forever  the  great  'Varsity  ! 

79 


National  Educational  Association 

Charleston,  S.  C,  July  7th  to  13th 

The  famous  old  city  will   txteiul   its   broadest   hospitality. 

One    Fare    Round    Trip    from    all    Northern 
Points  Plus  S2.00 

Via  Cincinnati  and  the 

QUEEN  &   CRESCENT  ROUTE 

I'uU    stop-over    privileges.       Tickets    good    returning    until 
September    First. 

Write  for  free  literature  concerning  Charleston, 

Chickaniauga  Battlefield,  Ashe\ille, 

"Land  of  the  Sky,"  etc. 


w.  c.  rinf:arson, 

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Cincinnati,  Ohio. 


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Cliicago,  Illinois. 


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